Your Fragile Friendships Are Fueling Your Burnout

So you’ve read up on burnout and all the ways it shows up in your life and you’ve been actively integrating helpful techniques in your daily and weekly routine to feel more confident and in control of your life again - you’re eating balanced meals, taking 30-minute walks daily, and somehow overcome that pesky habit of bringing work home with you daily. You’ve put in the work to establish a healthier work-life balance, yet something still seems to be off and you may not be able to put your finger on it. What you do know is that you can’t stand hanging out with a certain friend or friend group – for the purpose of this blog post, I’ll refer to them as Tasha.

Now, you’ve known Tasha for years. Although neither of you can remember exactly how the friendship started, you both know that it blossomed over time. However, over the past few months or years, hanging around Tasha has been draining, to say the least. You find yourself over-apologizing for the smallest inconvenience or misunderstanding. A wave of relief rushes over you when she cancels plans or when you have a legitimate schedule conflict. And regardless of the topic of conversation, you find yourself walking on eggshells whenever you disagree with her. Unfortunately, your relationship with Tasha is fragile.

Fragile Relationships

Regardless of whether or not you can pinpoint the exact moment you began feeling exhausted in your relationship with the Tasha’s of the world, you have noticed that the relationship has taken a toll on your physical and emotional well-being. But what is a fragile relationship? I define fragile relationships as relationships (e.g., professional, platonic, familial, or romantic) that cannot handle reasonable amounts of stress without at least one person fearing abandonment, neglect, distance, or loss. Putting in plain terms, someone usually worries that any sort of fight or disagreement will end the relationship – typically, this is Tasha’s fear. But what does this have to do with you, exactly? Well, you are the one Tasha is afraid of losing. Now, this may sound appealing to you and maybe you’re putting on your shoes right now to find people with abandonment issues but hear me out. As Tasha’s friend, colleague, or partner, you likely do A LOT of reassuring that:

• You’re her friend

• You’re not mad at her about anything (and you’re absolutely sure that you aren’t mad…and her asking you if you were mad didn’t suddenly make you mad)

• You are not going to leave her if she doesn’t do everything “right” in the relationship

• And so on

Does this sound familiar? If it does, it might be because you have a Tasha in your life. Not only are you doing a lot of reassuring, but you also might be doing a lot of problem-solving to avoid conflict. Like many of my clients, you may be taking on a massive amount of responsibility in the relationship to appease Tasha and keep the relationship in a harmonious place (because you know that when it’s bad, it’s BAD). Maybe you steer clear of political or religious conversations when Tasha’s around. You probably try to guess what type of mood she might be in when you read her text messages or even before you see her in person so that you can mentally prepare. Perhaps you notice that you’re the only one who comes up with suggestions of ways to improve the relationship during fights or are the first to apologize (because again, when it’s bad…it’s BAD).

What The Fuck Is Up With Tasha?

Putting it simply – Tasha is anxious. Specifically, she has an anxious attachment style. Of course, this is very reductive and there could be many other components like trauma or modeling (e.g., seeing what other people do and copying it – so maybe Tasha picked up these traits from her dad).

Regardless of where Tasha’s issues began, it has resulted in an anxious attachment style (a.k.a. insecure-anxious, anxious-avoidant, ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied). According to Healthguide.org, individuals with this attachment style:

• Struggle to feel that they can trust or fully rely on others

• Become overly fixated on the other person

• May find it difficult to observe boundaries

• View space as a threat or something that can provoke panic, anger, or fear that others no longer want them around

• Overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship

• Feel anxious or jealous when away from others

• May use guilt, controlling behavior, or other manipulative tactics to keep them close

• Need constant reassurance and lots of attention from others

• Maybe criticized for being too needy or clingy and they may struggle to maintain close relationships

In terms of your mental health and well-being, Tasha has you clocking in and doing overtime in the relationship with no additional pay! This is like jet fuel to your burnout. Now, I want to be absolutely clear here – Tasha is likely unaware of her behavior and how it’s affecting you. So as much as we love to call folks out for being gaslighters and manipulators, she’s likely not doing this on purpose and may be oblivious to how you feel. Does it make it right? No, but Tasha isn’t a bad person – Tasha is simply trying to get her needs met the best way she knows how. However, your job isn’t to be her therapist, that’s mine. Your job is to be her friend (if you still want to).

Working Through Fragility

Conflict-Avoidance and People-Pleasing

Like all things, it is not easy and it is possible. When working with my clients (usually Tasha’s friend), I work with my clients to understand how they view communication and conflict – for most people, they are one and the same. However, saying something doesn’t always mean a fight. Now you might be saying, “But with Tasha it always is!”. I help my clients understand that Tasha is the exception and not the rule. Are there other relationships in your life where you’ve been able to work through a disagreement, conflict, or falling out? Most people have! So, not only do you have conflict-resolution experience and skills, but you may have also learned that working through the conflict and speaking openly and honestly helped to strengthen your relationship. Ultimately, I help my clients understand that disagreement and conflict are some of the ways that they work through things with people in their lives, even Tasha. Over time, you’ll begin to feel empowered and certain that you can work through conflict and that it isn’t the end-all-be-all of your relationship (don’t worry, Tasha can benefit from learning this as well). I also help my clients examine their people-pleasing habits that may be maintaining the unhealthy relationship dynamic (i.e., you don’t call Tasha out when she does problematic things but instead take her side or defend her because siding with her is easier than starting World War III).

Boundary-Setting

Establishing boundaries is how you continue to love yourself and Tasha at the same time. Now, I know that a few paragraphs ago I said that Tasha freaks out at any sign of distance in her relationships, especially with you. But, you aren’t doing yourself or her any favors by not having them either.

In fact, not having boundaries with Tasha is the perfect way to ensure that your relationship will end (and sooner than you think). Establishing boundaries with Tasha (with some reassurance sprinkled in) will actually support maintaining a long and healthy relationship. Maybe she keeps calling you at all hours of the night which disrupts your sleep. Perhaps she’s trauma-dumping all over you whenever you meet up, you don’t know how to help her, and she refuses to go to therapy. She may even drop by your house when you really want to unwind from work because you’ve been really working on the work-life balance. Hopefully, you can connect the dots that 1) Tasha keeps interrupting the way you take care of yourself and 2) you keep letting her. Setting boundaries might look like not taking her phone calls past 9 PM, maintaining a 24-hour drop-by notice, or not having brunch catch-up plans until she starts therapy.

Regardless of whatever boundary you draw, just start with one. This is key – too many rapid changes at once can further damage the relationship so start with your most pressing boundary and integrate others once that boundary has been respected for a while (I’ll write a separate blog post about how you can establish boundaries in your relationships). If you and Tasha are open, you can also pursue friendship therapy. Think of it like an unsexy version of couples therapy. There, you’ll be able to work through your experiences of the relationship together in real-time with someone who is an actual therapist so that you don’t have to be.

Ending The Relationship

Now you don’t have to set boundaries at all with Tasha. Perhaps you’ve tried this many times in the past with no luck. You may want to consider ending the friendship altogether. Regardless of the path you choose, there is no right or wrong answer and therapy can be a great space to figure out which direction is best for you. Either way, you will be required to work hard (e.g., to mend the relationship or to grieve it).

If you're interested in starting your therapeutic journey or have further questions, feel free to contact me. I am here to support you.

Stop Fueling Your Burnout Today

Are you exhausted by fragile relationships and the emotional toll they take? You don’t have to navigate this alone. Let’s work together to strengthen your boundaries, boost your confidence, and help you reclaim your energy and peace of mind.

1. Schedule a consultation with me here so I can get to know your story better.

2. Learn more about burnout prevention through my blogs.

3. Start your journey to more fulfilling relationships!

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In addition to helping women manage relationship burnout, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, therapy for women, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way. Let's work together to find balance and well-being in your life.

About The Author:

Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. With a deep understanding of the complexities of burnout, Dr. Ruby provides a safe and supportive space for clients to explore their emotions and develop strategies to overcome exhaustion and regain their zest for life. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.