From Superwoman to Supported: Learning to Ask for Help
I once attended a conference where the speaker asked, “Where do most women go to cry in the home?” I had never considered that question before, and I imagine no one else in the audience had either. Yet, in unison, we all answered, “The closet.” It doesn’t matter if the closet is big or small, minimalist or packed with shoes, clothes, and designer handbags—many women cry there. In my experience, the closet is where many “superwomen” go to release their tears.
In popular culture, the closet often symbolizes shame. We “keep skeletons in the closet,” hide our sexuality (“coming out of the closet”), and store our “dirty laundry”—both literally and figuratively. So why do so many women relate to this? For many, crying itself is a source of shame, something we hide away in the same place where we store our secrets.
But as soon as those tears dry, we step out of the closet, reach for our metaphorical cape, and transform into “superwomen,” ready to save the day. You might be protecting your child with mom-like reflexes or swooping in to help your parents with language barriers. You sense when your partner needs emotional support, and you’re the friend who always fights for others. Yes, you get tired, and others may notice—but before they can offer any help, you recharge with an “I’m fine” or a “Don’t worry about me,” and it’s back to saving the day.
So, who saves superwoman? No one. People rarely come to the rescue of the “strong” friend, the “level-headed” sibling, or the reliable parent. Often, it's because it's convenient for them; your family, friends, and colleagues benefit from your strength. They’re not going to stop something (or someone) that benefits them so greatly. This dynamic may mean that people close to you may not even realize you need saving, too.
As a licensed psychologist who has worked with many “superwomen,” I know that asking for help can feel like kryptonite. I hear it all the time: “I don’t want people to see me as weak,” “Asking for help means I’ve failed,” or “No one else can handle what I’m going through—I don’t want to burden anyone.” If you’re tired of wearing the cape and ready to feel truly supported, this blog post is for you.
Learning to Ask for Help
This isn’t another “It’s okay to not be okay” post. While true, it’s easier said than done. Asking for help and seeking support from your community allows you to break free from the isolation that often comes with being the “strong one” in your family, friendships, and work setting. Seeking support fosters genuine connections where you can share your experiences without the pressure of always “having it together.” Leaning on your community offers you the chance to gain new perspectives, receive encouragement, and feel a sense of belonging—all crucial for emotional well-being.
If you struggle to ask for help, here are two possible reasons:
1. You Expect Others to Know You Aren’t Okay
Even though you may feel like you have superpowers, this isn’t Gotham City. People can’t see your struggles with anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome, burnout, or the tears shed in your closet. When those around you don’t intuitively show up for you in the way you imagined, you feel disappointed. This expectation is known as “mindreading”—expecting others to understand your needs without any direct communication.
In some cases, you might avoid asking for help because you want to avoid what I call “double disappointment.” It’s one thing to be disappointed when someone doesn’t show up as you hoped (mindreading). But it’s another to ask for help directly and still not receive it. Ouch. I get it—learning to ask for help doesn’t guarantee you’ll get it every time. However, it increases your chances compared to not asking at all. The disappointment may not be completely avoidable, but advocating for your needs and giving others gradual opportunities to meet them can show you that people want to support you when you let them.
2. You Aren’t Managing Your Expectations
You wouldn’t ask a villain to be a hero or a hero to be a villain because neither can be what they aren’t. Be mindful of who you’re asking for help and whether you expect them to act differently from how they’ve shown you in the past. Many superwomen in recovery fall into the trap of expecting that when they ask for help, they’ll “unlock” a more supportive version of someone who hasn’t been reliable before. But just as a villain isn’t a hero (unless you’re watching Dune), it’s unlikely a penny-pinching friend will attend your pricey birthday excursion, or that a partner whose repeatedly broken promises will suddenly pick up more slack at home.
Managing expectations reduces disappointment. While you’re more likely to get your needs met when you ask directly, consider who is genuinely capable of meeting them. Think of your needs as a multiple-choice test:
Who can run a grocery errand for you this week because you’re pressed for time?
A) Your Aunt Jill, who is afraid of driving
B) A co-worker you’re friendly with but not close to
C) Your neighbor Keisha, who shops at the same store and does weekly runs
D) Your brother Mark, who can’t tell a cucumber from a zucchini
E) None of the above—do it myself
If you answered “C,” that’s likely the best option, but it may require asking Keisha about her shopping schedule or if she’d mind doing a quick run for you. If you answered “A,” “B,” or “D,” you may struggle with managing expectations. Even though you may have closer relationships with your sibling and aunt does not mean they always make the best people to ask for help in every situation. This can lead to more frequent feelings of anger, resentment, or disappointment. If you answered “E”, feel free to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me.
Final Thoughts
Asking for help is hard, especially if you’ve worn the superwoman cape for so long it feels like a second skin. But just because you can handle everything on your own doesn’t mean you have to. By learning to communicate your needs openly and managing your expectations of others, you can begin to break free from the isolation and exhaustion that comes with always being the strong one. You deserve the same care and support you offer others, so start by leaning into your community—even if it feels unfamiliar at first. And if this step feels impossible, reach out to me. I’d love to help. The closet doesn’t have to be your refuge anymore—your community can be.
From Solo to Supported: Embracing Help as a Superwoman
Ready to take off the cape? It’s your turn to feel supported and truly seen. If reaching out feels overwhelming, let’s make that first step easier. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me, and together, we’ll explore how you can lean on others, let go of that endless need to “hold it all together,” and begin to find comfort outside of the closet. You don’t have to face this alone, and asking for help is a strength in itself.
Reach out today—because you deserve care and connection, too.
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About the Author: Burnout Psychologist Dr. Ruby
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. With a focus on helping clients reconnect with themselves and find effective self-care strategies, Dr. Ruby provides personalized therapy to address the root causes of burnout. Dr. Ruby is also dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
