How to Set Boundaries: A Step-by-Step Guide
You notice that you’re the go-to person at work, even though the things that are being “asked” (more like expected or demanded) are well outside your purview (and pay grade). It’s a no-brainer that you’ll always pick up whenever a friend needs to dump their woes and worries somewhere.
And of course, your ex will come back…and ghost you…and then resurrect from the dead! All of these scenarios signify that you likely struggle to set or maintain boundaries. But you’re not alone – according to Honor Society, 78% of individuals made a goal of setting better boundaries in 2023.
What Are Boundaries and Why Do They Matter?
If you work (or plan to work) with me, you’ll realize very quickly how much I hate social media ‘therapists’ (aka everyday people with working cameras and internet access). However, every once in a while, they say something amazing and I will credit this anonymous social media ‘therapist’ who said, “Boundaries are how I love you and me at the same time.” Fucking genius. In essence, boundaries are explicit requests of our needs to maintain healthy relationships and can include direct requests around our time as well as our physical, sexual, emotional, and financial needs. Does working outside of your job description (and not getting compensated for it) make you hate showing up for work? Do you feel like you can’t take up space in your friendships (because they take up too much)? How does midnight trauma-dumping impact you the next day? Are your other romantic connections on the back burner because you’re trying to figure out what your ex wants? When we don’t have boundaries (or don’t consistently establish them), we’re indirectly communicating to others that we are okay with how they are treating us and that isn’t always the case. If you’re noticing that your relationships, mental well-being, and/or career are suffering, then this step-by-step blog post is for you.
How do I know what my boundaries are?
1) Clarify what is dysfunctional or not working for you right now
Are you tired of getting home from work after dinner time even though you’re contractually a nine-to-fiver? Would you like to get a full night’s sleep? Or have conversations with friends where you don’t leave feeling heavy? Are you ready to call a priest because of how often your ex keeps coming back from the dead? Clarify what is not working out for you in your current dynamic. Maybe you’re noticing the impact on your energy levels or perhaps you’re starting to feel anxious walking into certain interactions. Maybe your finances have taken a hit due to your lack of boundaries (or lack of reinforcement). Understand how this situation right now is impacting you physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, socially, occupationally, environmentally, and financially.
The most crucial aspect of this step is to choose one or two things that you would like to change. That may sound counterintuitive because maybe there are several aspects of your life that can benefit from boundaries. However, you’re more likely to be successful by starting small. Think of it this way – you’re more likely to meet your New Year’s resolutions when you have a few. If you want to get back in shape, re-connect with your second cousin, guest star on a podcast, start your backyard garden, and get a promotion at work, you’re more likely to meet none of those goals. Pick one or two. Seriously. And if you’re new to setting boundaries, you may benefit from starting small. It’s easier to set and meet a small goal (i.e., going to the gym twice weekly) than it is an intense goal (going six times per week). It might be easier to first set boundaries with a friend than your boss.
2) Understand if this dynamic or relationship is worth maintaining
Okay, this may also sound counterintuitive but hear me out; once you clarify which dynamics are no longer working for you, you might come to realize that you don’t even want them (bye-bye ex). When we step back to examine our relationships, we may come to realize that there are things that we are ready to let go of. Don’t get me wrong, it might be hard and you likely will have second thoughts about it. But it does not make sense to heal a relationship that you realize you are ready to lay to rest. It would be like performing life-saving surgery on someone who hasn’t had a pulse in over 30 minutes – there really isn’t any point. Did that sound morbid? That’s exactly what setting boundaries in a lifeless relationship is like. It is truly delaying the inevitable. So, it might be time to call it. Time of death: Step two of this blog post.
3) Identify your ideal outcome and generate possible pathways of getting there
So, you’ve clarified one or two areas in your life that really aren’t doing it for you anymore (and to be honest it probably never did). You have also decided that this relationship is worth keeping. Great job!
It’s now time to think about what you need to show up for yourself and this person (or job, dynamic, etc) at the same time. There are no “bad ideas” here – we’re really spitballing what you need. Do you need more pay for your work? Recognition? Evenly delegated responsibilities? What about your friendships? Do you need to sleep throughout the night? Would you like to have more lightness and laughter with your friends? Would you like to take up more space in your friendships? Really think about your ideal outcome using this formula:
If [PERSON’S NAME OR ORGANIZATION] could respect that I [BOUNDARY], I would be so much happier [in the relationship/ at ORGANIZATION].
Ex: If my boss could respect that I can’t work overtime without pay, I’d be so much happier at work.
Here’s another formula: If I felt/got [ BOUNDARY], I could show up better as a [NOUN].
Ex: If I got a full night’s rest every night, I could show up better as a friend.
Next, consider the many ways you could achieve this boundary. There are always multiple ways that we can achieve a goal and it will require creative thinking/problem-solving. Let’s take the example of the friend who constantly calls you at all hours of the night ready to vent. You know that this pattern isn’t working for you, you enjoy your relationship with them otherwise, and really need to get a full night’s sleep. How can you make sure that that happens? There’s no doubt that you’ll have to have this conversation with this friend (that’s step 5) and you get to decide what this boundary looks like. Would you prefer her to text you instead of calling you so that she isn’t waking you up? Or text first to see if you’re even open to having a heavy late-night convo? Maybe you want to establish an 8 PM cut-off time for phone calls (or whatever time feels reasonable to you). Perhaps you can’t keep hearing heavy shit and need her to talk to someone else (like a therapist) instead of reaching out to you.
Once you generate all the ways you could reach your ideal outcome, consider the likelihood of each possibility. Don’t worry, you don’t need to be a statistician to do this. You already have first-hand knowledge of how your friends, family members, partners, co-workers, etc operate and have a fairly good idea about which pathways are going to be an absolute dud and which ones are more likely to be successful. If you’ve tried suggesting therapy to your friend in the past and it didn’t go over well, then that’s likely not going to go over now (maybe). If your job recently had a round of layoffs, they’re probably not able to pay you overtime for your work or hire additional members to join your team but maybe you can request more vacation days to offset your overtime. Now, pick a strategy. You don’t need to be (or even feel) that your friend, boss, or whomever is going to be 100% receptive to the idea – we just need to be certain that the likelihood isn’t 0%.
4) Understand the consequences of setting boundaries
This one is another tough yet important step of setting boundaries – there will be consequences. Now, ‘consequences’ sounds quite dreadful…consequences. But it literally means outcomes. Regardless of which pathway you choose to establish your boundary, there will be outcomes. One outcome is that the person can respect your boundary and you both continue to have a healthy relationship. This, however, tends to occur in the minority. Here is how I explain understanding consequences to my clients.
Think of a beautiful house – that’s you – that always had its front door open. There was no fence and the people in your life never needed a key to get in – this is your lack of boundaries. They could come over whenever they wanted and at whatever time they pleased. They could raid your fridge, sleep in your bed, and use your decorative towels. Now, the front door is locked, there’s a fence, (your boundaries) and they’re pissed. They can’t access you in the same way that they did before and in their perspective, this change happened overnight! So naturally, they’re gonna hop over the fence and try to knock down that door as hard as they can and will continue to do so until you open your doors and give them 24/7 access again.
What does this mean? It means that many people’s default reaction to boundary setting is to test how strong your boundaries are. If you need another visual, think of the big, bad wolf huffing and puffing to try to blow your house down; the difference here is that the other person isn’t necessarily big or bad and maybe testing your boundary unknowingly. When we experience a sudden change, we will do everything in our power to put things back to the way it was (regardless of if it serves us personally). I refuse to call Facebook ‘Meta’ and Twitter ‘X’. It’s just not happening. The people in your life will likely have this same reaction, except the repercussions are bigger in your case. This will happen. In fact, I want you to anticipate that people will push back on your boundary (e.g., calling you even more often than before or continuing to assign you work). If they don’t, that’s great. If they do, that’s great. You’re prepared for it. If someone pushes back on your boundary, keep reinforcing it.
How do you Start setting Boundaries?
5) Set up a meeting time to speak
It’s never fun having these conversations and they are necessary. Remember when I said that boundaries are an explicit request of our needs? The ‘explicit’ part is essential.
People are not mind readers. Even if the situation is so painfully obvious that your need is being neglected, you must speak up for what you need. Now, if you’re conflict-avoidant or a people-pleaser, it may be tempting to skip this step. However, you will be dooming your relationship. Another group who falls into the mind-reading trap are hyper-independent individuals; they are very used to doing everything for themselves, so much so that they struggle to ask others to show up for them or take care of them in some small or large way. If you know that you can rely on yourself and worry about burdening others, this might be you.
Regardless of which group you land in, set up a time to speak in-person (preferably) or over video call. DO NOT TEXT OR EMAIL. Research shows that 40% of adults spend hours puzzling over someone’s words via text. A separate study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that online messages are misinterpreted 50% of the time; I don’t know about you and I don’t feel comfortable leaving the state of my relationship up to 50/50 chance. Pick a time (and place if possible) to speak. While I can’t give you a line-by-line breakdown of everything you can say during this meet-up, you might say something like:
I’ve been really struggling with [LACK OF BOUNDARY] and have noticed that [IMPACT]. I really care about this relationship and need [BOUNDARY] so that I can show up as a better [NOUN].
Ex: During coffee with a friend – “Hey, I’ve really been struggling when you call me at 1 AM to talk and I’m so exhausted the next day and can’t function at work. I really care about this relationship, and I won’t be taking phone calls after 8 PM anymore so that I can show up as a better employee and friend to you/so that I can show up better for us both”
You can play around with the wording and find something that feels right. If you’re still struggling, DBT’s DEARMAN and FAST skills may also help you develop a script that feels right.
6) Enforce and Reinforce these boundaries
Remember how I said that people’s default reaction is to ‘test’ our boundary (a.k.a. see if we really mean it)? Again, it may not be out of spite or ill will but an attempt to maintain homeostasis or balance. Unconsciously, we (the boundary receivers) may say to ourselves, “Things worked before, let’s get back to that.” Your new job is to now reinforce the hell out of those boundaries by reminding your community of them. This could look like sending a text message to a friend when she calls you at 9:37 PM or reminding your boss or co-worker of your previous agreement. And it’s not just going to be one or two reminders either. This may go on for weeks or months and do know that it will eventually stop. The absolute worst thing you can do at this stage is to give in “just one time.” Oh boy. It’s never just one time. Now that friend knows that if she calls you five times in a row, you’ll pick up. Perhaps your boss now sees that she can guilt trip you into doing more work when she shows you photos of her kids. Human behavior is both complex and simple – we learn quickly and we do what works. The ‘one time’ that you answered your phone or did overtime is no longer just the one time and you feel like you’re back at square one. So, reinforce the hell out of those boundaries. It’s hard work and it will pay off.
7) Implement Consequences as needed
In some cases, the people closest to us will ignore our boundaries, despite you going through steps one through six. There are many reasons for this but you don’t care about that – you just want a break! If this becomes your situation, then the next and final step is to communicate and implement consequences. This may be a hard pill to swallow so here is a spoon full of sugar: you can’t develop or maintain a healthy relationship by yourself. Okay, that was more like Splenda. Yet the truth remains that if you are the only person working to create a healthy relationship, you are not existing in a relationship. It takes at least two people. So, if that friend keeps calling after three months of explicitly reinforcing your boundaries, it is likely time to say, “Hey. We’ve had several conversations about not calling me after 8PM and you’ve continued to do so for the last three months. If you continue to do this, I will (start blocking your call/putting my phone on DND/re-evaluate this friendship/end this friendship).” Did this sound harsh? That’s okay, it’s not supposed to sound like rainbows and sunshine. Your job isn’t to make the other person feel good (that’s not even my job and I’m a therapist). Your job/intention is to maintain this relationship without sacrificing your well-being. Your actions demonstrate that you want to continue loving them and yourself at the same time. Unfortunately, you may be realizing that the relationship only works once you stop loving you. Cue step two.
Final Thoughts
Boundaries are essential in healthy relationships, both with ourselves and with others. They can provide structure, clarity, and protection but can feel really scary to set and maintain. By setting boundaries, we’re unapologetically asserting our needs, values, and limits, while fostering a sense of self-respect and empowerment. Embracing boundaries is not a sign of weakness, but rather a demonstration of self-awareness and self-care. It is through honoring our boundaries that we cultivate authenticity, resilience, and meaningful relationships, ultimately leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Once you get the hang of setting boundaries, you’ll notice that it is very nuanced; there are times when that friend will have a bona fide emergency and you’ll naturally want to support her even though you know you’ll feel like a zombie in the morning. If you’re a person of color or if you grew up in a community-oriented culture/family, you’ll also realize that setting boundaries or saying ‘no’ doesn’t even exist in your language. While I’ll touch on this reality in future blog posts, it’s important to remember that boundaries aren’t steel walls – they’re not meant to keep people out; they’re flexible and can bend when the right conditions are met (e.g., this person is great at acknowledging and respecting your requests and is in a unique situation).
Revitalize Your Life with Boundary Setting Therapy in New York, NY
You've made great strides in establishing boundaries. Now, let’s ensure you keep progressing. If you're in New York State and need support to continue setting boundaries in your relationships, contact me today. Let's work together to make your professional, romantic, and familial life is fulfilling.
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In addition to helping women establish effective boundaries, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, general support, therapy for burnout, therapy for infertility or pregnancy loss, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. With a deep understanding of the complexities of burnout, Dr. Ruby provides a safe and supportive space for clients to explore their emotions and develop strategies to overcome exhaustion and regain their zest for life. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
