People-Pleasers: The Experts at Saying “No”
You may be the person who is always up front and center at your friend’s events. Or maybe you’re the family member who is always digging in their wallet (or purse…or couch cushion) without hesitation because someone else needs your financial support. Perhaps you have forgone asking for that raise…again.
Or maybe, just maybe, you’re the partner who continuously swallows back their hurt and pain when your partner is having a tough time (and they usually are). If any of these situations sound like you, it’s no surprise that you are a people-pleaser. People-pleasing is defined as the tendency to “do anything possible to avoid conflict, even if it means turning into an entirely different person”, according to WebMD.
While ‘people-pleasing’ isn’t a clinical diagnosis (and therefore not reimbursable by insurance companies, what a loss), it can make us suffer. Think back to those times you overscheduled yourself so much to go to your friend’s events that you ended up feeling so anxious, pressed for time, and burned out. Or what about those many, many times when you gave your last dollar and had nothing for yourself (and as much as you told yourself you didn’t need it, your bills or stomach said otherwise). Or how about the several occasions where you held back how you truly felt when your partner was having a rough day, week, month, and year. How many times have you rode on that merry-go-round of resentment? Let’s not even address the fact that you’ve been receiving the same pay for the last few years (and life hasn’t gone on sale).
People-Pleasing A.K.A. Anxiety
There is no one reason why people become people-pleasers; it can stem from one or several traumatic experiences (e.g., fawning or appeasing to survive), spoken or unspoken expectations modeled by your family or culture, and everything else in between. What’s clear is that people-pleasing at its core is just another manifestation of anxiety - anxiety that you’ll be rejected or abandoned, should you express what you truly feel. In most cases, the anxiety that fuels the people-pleasing behaviors comes from a real place; maybe that one time you spoke up, you lost that relationship or opportunity. Perhaps something traumatic happened. But anxiety isn’t anxiety when the threat is real – it’s anxiety once the threat is no longer present. Anxiety’s job is to keep us hyperaware of things that could potentially become threats or go awry. So, you make sure to go above and beyond for everyone else so much so that you end up feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from the person that you used to be.
The Experts of “No”
There is a popular misconception about people-pleasers. Shit, people-pleasers have this misconception about themselves!
It’s the idea that they are really terrible at saying “no”, however, they are the experts! They say no every single day, multiple times a day and it’s to themselves. They say “no” to that solo date night they planned for weeks. They say “no” to the takeout they had planned to get with the crisp $20 bill in their wallet. They are also really, really skilled at saying “no” to their own career development or retirement goals. And they are ahead of the curve when it comes to withholding their true feelings from people in their lives. This is because people-pleasers buy into the myth that they are better at handling disappointment than those around them. But this couldn’t be farther from the truth.
While I think they are the experts of “no”, people-pleasers aren’t the experts of disappointment. That’s the first incorrect assumption within this myth. Now you may be shaking your head at your laptop or phone screen right now saying, “Dr. Ruby, you don’t know me. I am the MASTER of managing my own disappointment.” You may even be reciting your go-to ‘disappointment checklist’ (e.g., 1) sulk for a bit but not too much so that no one sees you, 2) give yourself a pep talk, 3) throw back a shot, and 4) whip out a smile so that no one can tell how let down you actually feel). Just because you have a routine doesn’t mean that you’re good at managing disappointment; if you were, you wouldn’t need the routine. Research also shows that people-pleasers are more likely to experience chronic stress and burnout which can lead to physical health complications. So, if you were so good at people-pleasing and handling disappointment, would you be living with acid reflux, migraine headaches, and high blood pressure issues right now? Probably not.
Conversations ≠ Conflict
The second assumption within this myth is that other people can’t handle their own disappointment (therefore you protect them by taking on whatever they are asking of you). This is a load of bullshit. Most people (including people-pleasers) tend to conflate conversations with confrontation, and confrontation with conflict. If you were good at math, then by the transitive property, conversations = conflict. Again, this simply isn’t true. In fact, conversations (and compassionate honesty at that) can aid in connection and intimacy building. Unless your relationships are truly fragile, they can withstand hard conversations. The truth is that most people can handle honesty, including yours. It might not be pretty and you or that person(s) may experience some heavy feelings but you can work through it. Have you ever had a tough conversation with a friend, manager, or partner? How did you grow? How did your relationship or career trajectory change? The truth is that most relationships don’t combust into 1,000 pieces when we say “no” (a.k.a. set boundaries) or show up as our full selves; if that were the case, we would either all be people-pleasers or live in complete isolation.
The Consequences of People-Pleasing
Aside from feeling overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious, people-pleasers also miss out on opportunities to be known in a different capacity. Part of the reason my clients come to me is because they are feeling stuck in their lives and relationships and aren’t sure how to change things. Perhaps your friends know you as ‘outgoing’ and ‘extraverted’ because you’re always supporting them at events but they miss getting to know the parts of you that are introverted. It’s likely that your partner (who’s usually struggling) sees you as “the strong one” in your relationship but isn’t aware of the ways that you need their support too. When we show up ready and willing to be the version of ourselves that other people need, we are not allowing them to get to know us fully. Some of my people-pleasing clients enjoy not being truly known by others but begin to realize how draining it is to “perform” in their relationships.
Breaking the Myth and the Cycle
Let’s put what we know so far together: you’re a master at saying “no” and it’s been to yourself thus far, you actually aren’t good at handling your disappointment and the people in your life are more resilient and stronger than you give them credit for. Still with me?
Great. While saying “no” to others more often is the solution to end the cycle of people-pleasing (as well as advocating for your needs, being vulnerable in your relationships, setting boundaries, blah, blah, blah – this is what I imagine all this sounds like to non-therapists), beginning therapy can help you understand and overcome other barriers that are getting in the way.
Ready to break up with people-pleasing? Get started with online therapy in New York, NY
It can feel impossible to break the cycle of people-pleasing alone, especially when you have functioned this way for your entire life. As a New York online therapist, I understand the struggle and I’m here to help you navigate it. If you’re ready to take control and own your power to say ‘no’, reach out to Lavender Therapy today. Together, we can create a personalized plan to address the root causes of your people-pleasing and help you prioritize yourself.
1. Schedule a consultation with me and start your journey.
2. Explore my blog for insightful articles and practical tips for managing burnout.
3. Start saying ‘no’ unapologetically!
Other services I offer in the New York area
Life brings many unique challenges, and I'm here to support you every step of the way. In addition to addressing people-pleasing and anxiety, I offer specialized services to help you navigate through different phases and experiences. Anywhere in New York, I offer therapy for postpartum and pregnancy concerns, therapy for burnout, general therapy, therapy for infertility and pregnancy loss, and family planning therapy.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. With a deep understanding of the complexities of burnout, Dr. Ruby provides a safe and supportive space for clients to explore their emotions and develop strategies to overcome exhaustion and regain their zest for life. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
