Understanding Mom Shame Part 2: How Radical Acceptance Can Help Moms Overcome Shame and Embrace Compassion
Shame is a powerful, often debilitating emotion that many of us struggle with, including moms. It can seep into our thoughts and actions, making us feel unworthy as people, women, and parents. This "shame monster" can grow stronger with every perceived failure, mistake, or rejection, feeding off our vulnerabilities and insecurities.
To learn more about shame and how it affects moms, read part one of this two-part blog series on shame. However, there is a way to confront and diminish this monster: through radical acceptance. This practice involves embracing our reality without judgment, allowing us to move beyond shame and toward a more compassionate framework about how we parent.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance is a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) distress tolerance skill that helps us manage our pain without amplifying it (and thus turning our pain into suffering). It involves accepting our reality completely and without judgment. Yes, this also includes your shame. Practicing radical acceptance doesn’t mean that we agree with (or like) everything that happens or that we will let any ole thing happen to us. However, it requires us to acknowledge the present moment as it is, including our thoughts, feelings, and sensations, without trying to change or resist them (e.g., telling yourself, “You shouldn’t think that way” or “Stop thinking that”). In essence, radical acceptance says, “Let reality (i.e. thoughts and feelings) be”. This sounds like the exact opposite of what you want. However, if banishing your shame to the back of your mind worked, you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog post. Since it hasn’t worked, we have to pivot to something new.
By practicing radical acceptance, you can free yourself from your shame monster because this skill is about facing the truth of a situation with an open heart and mind, even when it's painful. It’s about letting go of the struggle against reality and finding peace in acceptance. By doing so, we can reduce the suffering caused by shame and begin to heal. When we truly practice radical acceptance, we not only accept reality as is, we also accept that everything has a cause (I can’t lie, I struggle with this principle myself and so I get it, this isn’t an easy skill!), and that life is still worth living (and we are still worthwhile) even when painful shit happens.
How Radical Acceptance Helps with Shame
1. Breaking the Cycle of Judgment
Shame thrives on self-judgment. We criticize ourselves harshly for our perceived parenting flaws and mistakes, reinforcing the belief that we are not good enough parents (and sometimes people).
Radical acceptance interrupts this cycle by encouraging us to observe our thoughts and feelings without labeling them as good or bad. This non-judgmental awareness helps to neutralize the power of shame, allowing us to see ourselves with more clarity and compassion.
2. Embracing Imperfection
Radical acceptance involves embracing our imperfections as part of our human experience. It reminds us that everyone has flaws, makes mistakes, and experiences setbacks. By accepting our imperfections, we can let go of the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves and our parenting abilities and recognize our inherent worthiness. This shift in perspective helps to diminish the sense of shame and fosters a more positive self-image.
3. Reducing Emotional Suffering
Resisting or denying our reality often leads to increased emotional suffering. When we refuse to accept our feelings of shame (e.g., beating yourself up because you gave into a tantrum) we may end up amplifying our pain. Radical acceptance, on the other hand, allows us to confront and process our emotions in a healthy way. By facing our shame head-on, we can begin to heal and move forward, rather than getting “stuck” in a small moment (or decision).
4. Cultivating Self-Compassion
Radical acceptance is closely linked to self-compassion, the practice of being kind and understanding toward ourselves. When we accept our reality without judgment, we create space for self-compassion. We can acknowledge our suffering without adding to it with harsh criticism. Self-compassion helps to soothe the wounds of shame and reinforces our sense of self-worth.
Practical Steps to Practice Radical Acceptance – (Distress Tolerance Worksheet 9)
Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality (or yourself). Notice any thoughts, feelings, memories, or physical sensations (inside your body) that elicit shame (e.g., “It shouldn’t be this way”, “I’m not cut out to be a mom”, or “I’m a bad mom”).
Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality (i.e., thoughts, feelings, memories, etc), is just as it is and cannot be changed. Again, remember that you have tried to change it in the past and it did not work.
Remind yourself that there are causes for the reality and be careful about playing into the blame game. This step will help you acknowledge that some sort of history led up to this very moment. Consider how people’s lives have been shaped by a series of factors. Notice that given these causal factors and how history led up to this moment, this reality had to occur just this way (“This is how things happened”).
Practice accepting with the whole self (mind, body, and spirit) (e.g., “This is a thought/feeling/experience that I am having right now”, “I am really struggling in this moment”, or “Wow, I am noticing feeling really ashamed right now”). Get creative in finding ways to involve your whole self. Use accepting self-talk—but also consider using relaxation, mindfulness of your breath (discussed below), prayer, or going to a place that helps bring you to acceptance.
Practice opposite action. List all the things you would do if you did accept the facts, then act as if you have. Engage in the behaviors that you would do if you really had accepted reality. For example, if you accepted (rather than pushed away) the thought that you’re a bad parent, think about the things that you would do after you’ve accepted that “reality”. Well, you’d probably continue eating your lunch, resume your work responsibilities, and buy that backyard mini pool you’ve had your eye on for the kids. In essence, you’d resume your life again.
Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain.
Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness meditation is a powerful tool for practicing radical acceptance. By focusing on the present moment and observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment, we can cultivate a greater awareness and acceptance of our reality.
Set aside a few minutes each day (3-5 minutes) to sit quietly and practice mindfulness. Notice your breath, sensations, and thoughts, and let them come and go without trying to change them. Emphasis on not changing them! Let your thoughts and feelings come and go, including any that feel ‘shameful”. When we can acknowledge that these are simply thoughts and feelings (and not a reflection of our personhood or motherhood), we can create a healthy distance between who we are as people and our thoughts/feelings. Remember, we average about 20,000 thoughts in a single day. Why get bogged down by 5 or 20?
Slaying the shame monster is no easy feat, but with the practice of radical acceptance, it is possible. By accepting our reality without judgment, we can break free from the cycle of self-criticism and embrace our imperfections as parents with compassion. Radical acceptance helps us to reduce emotional suffering, cultivate self-compassion, and ultimately, reclaim our sense of worthiness. As we embark on this journey, we can begin to silence the shame monster and live more authentically and joyfully.
If you live in New York State and would like to “slay” your shame monster contact me today. I’d love to help.
Break Up With Your Mom Shame With Online Therapy Today
If you’re tired of beating yourself up, feeling like a “bad mom”, or are in desperate need of relief, I am here to support you. Don’t let your “shame monster” keep you struggling in silence for another day. If you live in New York State and would like to “slay” your shame monster, you’re in the right place.
1. Contact me now and let's get started. ,
2. Learn more about mom shame through my blogs.
3. Slay your “shame monster” and feel proud of how you take care of everyone around you.
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About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is also dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
