Understanding Mom Shame Part 1: A Guide to Reclaiming Confidence and Joy in Parenting
“My kid deserves a better mom.”
“I’m not doing enough.”
“This is all my fault.”
“Everyone else is getting this right? Why can’t I?”
“I’m such a bad mom.”
Do any of these sound like you? If so, you may be struggling with mom shame (a.k.a. maternal or parental shame throughout this blog post). In part one of this two-part series, we will explore what mom shame is and how it shows up in our daily lives. In part two, we will discuss tools and skills to ‘slay’ your monster.
Do any of these sound like you? If so, you may be struggling with mom shame (a.k.a. maternal or parental shame throughout this blog post). In part one of this two-part series, we will explore what mom shame is and how it shows up in our daily lives. In part two, we will discuss tools and skills to ‘slay’ your monster.
Shame is a powerful emotion that can help us act in accordance with our morals and values. With time and self-compassion, we can typically move forward from situations where we felt ashamed. However, when left unchecked, shame can infiltrate our lives, etch away at our self-esteem, and sabotage our relationships – including the ones with our children. It convinces us that we are fundamentally flawed, that we don't belong, and that if others knew our true selves, they would reject us. Unchecked shame can manifest in various ways: the fear of being exposed as inadequate or an imposter, the self-critical voice that constantly undermines our achievements, abilities, and previous successes, or the pervasive sense of not being good enough. Moms are especially susceptible to this.
Unlike guilt, which is tied to specific actions (i.e., feeling guilty for missing your child’s first steps or 70th basketball game), shame attacks the core of our identity (e.g., feeling shameful that you aren’t a good enough parent for your child). With shame, there is a common misconception that “beating ourselves up” will give us the motivation to be better parents (i.e., “I’m a horrible mom and I should be doing more for my kid”). But our brain is designed to believe what we feed it. So, what was once one or two unsettling thoughts about your parenting abilities here and there have become chronically intrusive, and distressing thoughts and feelings. I like to call this the “shame monster” because like most monsters we’ve seen from our childhood, this one also grows as you feed it and can seem impossible to defeat.
The ‘Shame Monsters’ Origin Story
Parental shame can stem from many places with societal expectations and cultural norms playing a significant role. The idea of the "perfect parent" is pervasive in media, parenting books, curated snapshots, and social circles
This unrealistic standard creates pressure to live up to an impossible benchmark, leading moms everywhere to feel inadequate when they inevitably fall short.
It’s not just unrealistic expectations and self-sabotaging behaviors that create this ‘monster’ - women who’ve experienced critical or unsupportive environments growing up might internalize negative messages that perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and shame. For example, my clients often tell me that they felt less than in their family (because they struggled in school or were the “black sheep”), which led to them inevitably feeling less than in all of their other relationships. How could they feel “good enough” in their adult relationships if they never felt adequate in their very first one?
The Impact of Maternal Shame
The effects of mom shame are far-reaching. It can manifest as anger or frustration, creating a tense and negative home environment but it can also show up in more subtle ways that can hinder our ability to connect with our children. When we are reactive to our shame (e.g., think about the iconic, “I know, everything is ALWAYS my fault because I was such a bad mother” scene from every TV sitcom …ever), the focus shifts from the child's needs to our perceived failings. This shift is a direct indicator of our own emotional unavailability. What happens when we aren’t emotionally available to our kids (including adult-aged children)? They learn to build up emotional walls to keep us out. Reacting to our shame (as opposed to facing it) places kids in the position to take care of our feelings and can also lead them to feel inadequate (e.g., “I must be a bad kid because I always make my mom angry”). Ah! A new shame monster has emerged, and this time, it belongs to your child.
Parental shame also affects mental health. Chronic shame can lead to depression, anxiety, and a general sense of hopelessness. It negatively impacts self-esteem, making it difficult for parents to engage confidently in parenting tasks or seek support from others. This isolation only perpetuates the cycle of shame.
Recognizing and addressing maternal shame is crucial for both our well-being and that of our children. Understanding that shame, unlike guilt, attacks our core identity, and knowing how it manifests in our lives is the first step toward combating it. In part two of this series, we will delve into practical tools and strategies to manage and ultimately 'slay' the shame monster. This journey not only empowers us as parents but also ensures that our children grow up in emotionally healthy and nurturing homes. Remember, every step towards self-awareness and healing is a step towards becoming the parent you aspire to be—one who is imperfect yet deeply loving and resilient. Stay tuned for the next part of this series, where we will equip you with the skills to reclaim your confidence and joy in parenting.
Break Up With Your Mom Shame With Online Therapy Today
If you’re tired of beating yourself up, feeling like a “bad mom”, or are in desperate need of relief, I am here to support you. Don’t let your “shame monster” keep you struggling in silence for another day. If you live in New York State and would like to “slay” your shame monster, you’re in the right place.
1. Contact me now and let's get started. ,
2. Learn more about mom shame through my blogs.
3. Slay your “shame monster” and feel proud of how you take care of everyone around you.
Other Services I Offer Online Anywhere in New York
In addition to helping moms parent with less shame and guilt, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various phases of life. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, general support, burnout, infertility or pregnancy loss, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is also dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
