Putting the Pain on Pause: 4 Ways You’re Avoiding Your Avoidance
As humans, we’ve developed a culture where we go after the things that feel good and avoid the hell out of things that feel bad. In psychology, this is known as the hedonic principle. Like and want that shiny new car? Buy it. Don’t like sitting through your work meeting that could have been an email?
Suddenly come down with a stomach bug (or technological issue). Want to have endless fun? Abundant sex? Or something else? We have endless opportunities to pour into outlets that make us feel good and give us a dopamine rush (a key hormone involved in happiness and pleasure). As a society, we’ve become so enthralled with goodness and pleasure that we’ve backed ourselves into a corner of happiness – if you aren’t happy or feeling ‘good’, something is wrong with you and you should stay away from anything that makes you feel bad. Russ Harris dubbed this phenomenon as “the happiness trap.”
What is the root cause of avoidance?
Most of my clients start therapy not ready to confront the things they have been avoiding. I commonly use the phrase that they are simply “putting the pain on pause”. Avoidance does exactly just that - it temporarily numbs the pain. But life will press ‘resume’ at some point. We cannot avoid forever; once the reminder or trigger of your pain comes back, it often feels worse than it did before. So, we avoid some more because our fear was confirmed – we can’t handle the thing that feels scariest right now. Cue the cycle of avoidance! Avoid a trigger of unwanted emotion/thought/experience… more avoidance …more triggers, etc. While avoidance ‘puts the pain on pause’, so is your life – you are stuck in what seems like a never-ending cycle. You’re still in debt because you haven’t confronted your money fears. The loss of your loved one still feels like it happened yesterday despite years passing. And that friendship, it’s still tense and uncomfortable because that friend is completely unaware of how they impact you. Eventually, the only way to resume life again is to confront the anxiety, worry, and/or trauma.
There are so many ways we avoid and you may be aware of some avoidance behaviors but not others. Here is a list of four key ways avoidance may show up in your life
1) Situational Avoidance
Do you avoid elevators at all costs? Do you cross the street whenever you see a stray cat? What about refusing to speak in public? When we avoid situations, we typically stay away from specific instances where we feel uncomfortable.
This is referred to as a phobia (or social anxiety disorder for social situations or PTSD in the event of life-threatening experiences). Like all ways of avoiding, we go out of our way to lessen our internal discomfort (physiological symptoms). Physiological symptoms can include rapid heartbeat, chest tightness, shallow breathing, muscle tension, worry sweaty palms, shaking hands/legs, feeling out of control restlessness, difficulty concentrating, and more. Does this sound like a panic attack? If you answered ‘yes’, that’s because these are its key features of it. However, social situations do not always elicit panic attacks.
2) Emotional Avoidance
Emotional avoidance occurs when we attempt to “lock away” one or many feelings that we find upsetting. This is called “isolation of affect” and is a sophisticated defense mechanism used to avoid succumbing to the weight of emotions (or so we think). For example, it’s a common experience to not feel bad, sad, or any emotion when a close loved one dies. Unfortunately, our emotions don’t work like Chipotle – we can’t pick our emotions à la carte. Once we isolate or push away one feeling, we push away all emotions and it can make enjoying life all the more difficult. My clients who isolate their emotions tend to feel numb and indifferent about life and are ready to feel “good again”. Imagine their surprise when they find out that my job is to help them feel again.
Another way people avoid their emotions is by keeping a safe distance between themselves and their feelings. You may be able to acknowledge a feeling that appropriately matches a situation but you aren’t actually allowing yourself to feel it. Have you ever had a friend tell you something really sad and they sound like they could be recapping their last Trader Joe’s haul? “Intellectualization of affect” occurs when we can reasonably name our feelings (e.g., mad, abandoned, elated, disgusted) without feeling them in the moment. People who intellectualize are good a convincing others that they are processing their emotions because they can identify them. But that is only one part of the overall work.
3) Cognitive Avoidance
When we tell ourselves, “Just don’t think about it”, we’re engaging in cognitive avoidance. Cognitive avoidance occurs when we avoid thoughts, memories, or images in our minds that make us uncomfortable. Do you hum a song to not think about your last breakup? Or turn up the TV to not recall your friend’s face when you told her how shitty she was to you? When we avoid in our mind, we typically try to do other things (mentally and physically) to lessen the discomfort. In more intense cases, we may engage in compulsive or ritualistic actions to “cancel out” or “undo” upsetting and distressing thoughts, images, and memories (cue Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder – OCD). However, when “not thinking about it” (or not feeling, or experiencing situationally) doesn’t work, we tend to find ourselves trying to escape.
4) Escapism
Escapism and avoidance might sound like synonyms, but they are quite different. When we avoid, we are preventing uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and physiological sensations from occurring in the first place.
Think of a person who fears elevators and avoids them at all costs. When we escape, we are intervening at the point of discomfort. Think of that same person taking an elevator but pressing the shit out of the ‘open door’ button to get out quicker. Classic forms of escapism include using alcohol, marijuana, and other substances to ‘escape’ painful thoughts and feelings. Escapism can also include sex, partying, or any other activity that helps us press our proverbial ‘open door’ button. I want to be clear here, escapism isn’t just finding a vice and sticking to it – these same actions can also be avoidance behaviors and depend on when and why we are coping this way. Are we avoiding the elevator altogether or trying desperately to escape?
How do you fix avoidance behavior?
Therapy. No surprise there. One of the most effective ways to combat situational, emotional, and cognitive avoidance (and escapism) is to fully experience the feared thought, feeling, physiological sensation, and/or situation. Through exposure therapy and exposure-based interventions, your therapist will guide you through your fear or trauma and slowly break down the thoughts, feelings, and physiological sensations that have kept you trapped in your cycle of avoidance. Treatments for social anxiety disorder, OCD, and PTSD incorporate varying levels of exposure therapy. Over the course of treatment, therapy will help you learn how to tolerate (and appropriately cope with) the discomfort and experience neutral or positive outcomes when confronting the feared object/experience (i.e., realizing that you will not spontaneously combust if you look at your finances or that a scene straight out of Final Destination will not happen if you ride in an elevator). Over time, you’ll notice that the fear and anxiety will lessen or subside altogether.
If you live in New York State and would like to stop avoiding or aren’t sure how to start, contact me today. I’d love to help.
Address Your Avoidance in New York, NY
If you're tired of avoiding your avoidance or are running into the same challenges with your avoidance, it's time for a change. Imagine a life where you didn’t have to worry about when you’ll be triggered next or wonder when your anxiety will blindside you. I’m here to help you break this cycle. Follow the steps below to get started:
Contact me now and start your journey towards confronting your anxiety.
Learn more about my approach here.
Live an avoidance-free life.
Other Services I offer Anywhere in New York
In addition to helping women manage their relationships with avoidance and anxiety, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, burnout, infertility or pregnancy loss, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. With a deep understanding of the complexities of burnout, Dr. Ruby provides a safe and supportive space for clients to explore their emotions and develop strategies to overcome exhaustion and regain their zest for life. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
