There Is No Such Thing as ‘Bad’ Coping

I can’t speak for all therapists on this post (or really any of my blog posts), so here it is – I don’t believe that there are “bad” ways to cope.

Whether you cope with stressful situations by doom-scrolling on Instagram, refuse to respond to text messages when you’re going through an anxiety spiral, smoke cigarettes (or other things) to disconnect from the present moment, or replace feeling feelings with multiple sexual partners, I’ve heard a lot. And my clients, like you, come to me saying the same thing, “I know what I’m doing is bad.” This is where I interject that “I don’t believe in “bad” coping.” Their faces are always completely shocked by this insertion! No one coping mechanism is inherently ‘bad’. However, it is how and when we use them that can be harmful. I typically share the following three ideas with clients:

1. The way you coped worked once upon a time, but it may not be working (or working as effectively) anymore.

2. The shame and guilt you experience while ‘coping badly’ only helps to keep you stuck in that cycle. If you could shame or guilt yourself out of coping ‘badly’, wouldn’t it have worked by now?

3. We can ‘bury’ or put our old coping methods to rest and discover newer and more adaptive ways of coping in the here and now.

Let’s go back to basics. Speaking more broadly, coping skills are things that we intentionally do to lessen stress. Many people cope by working out, talking to family or friends, and taking off work, for example. In our culture, we typically refer to these coping skills as “good” or “healthy” – I even fall into this trap. However, anything can be unhealthy, if done to the extreme. Working out for six hours a day, constantly talking to your friends about your stress (but not actively taking steps to resolve said issues), and not showing up at work for days/weeks at a time can easily become what we therapists call “maladaptive” which literally means “not providing adequate or appropriate adjustment to the environment or situation,” according to Google. When we get rid of the binary of “good” and “bad” coping skills/mechanisms, we can broaden our scope to look at the total impact of how we are coping. Does this mechanism help to reduce stress (or other emotions/experiences)? Is this way of coping solving any concerns? Or is it just another avoidance behavior? Could sitting with this feeling/experience (rather than trying to get rid of it) prove to be a more adaptive alternative?

Again, There is No Bad Coping

You may be noticing that the way you cope with stress and other overwhelming feelings, thoughts, and experiences is not quite doing what it used to. However, once upon a time, the same exact coping mechanism worked like a charm. That’s completely normal and to be expected. Nothing lasts forever (not even coping skills). It is up to us to realize that our skills “fizzle out” over time or become more like automatic habits that don’t resolve anything.

Shaming or blaming yourself for how you cope(d) isn’t helping you learn more helpful ways to deal with your stress, either. Again, if shame and guilt actually worked, you would be a master by now. When we try to shame ourselves out of ‘bad’ or maladaptive coping mechanisms (e.g., “I know I shouldn’t be doing X” or “I’m a piece of shit because I Y”), we only reinforce the idea that we are not deserving or “good enough” to manage our stress in ways that could be more beneficial to our overall well-being. For example, why go to therapy to process your recent breakup if having a series of unfulfilling first dates reinforces your belief that you are underserving of love? Here’s what I’ve found myself saying to clients who’ve expressed shame about how they’ve coped in the past:

Regardless of how you coped, it helped you endure difficult (at best) or traumatic times in your life. So, as your therapist, I don’t feel good about shaming the way you figured out how to survive.

So many of us hold onto shame and guilt from how we coped in our teenage years and early adulthood, yet we extend grace to others (with similar experiences) so readily. I’d like to challenge you to think about why you are less deserving of that same compassion. From general avoidance to substance misuse – I don’t judge how you coped because it helped you get through some really tough shit and now you’ve arrived at a place where you can lay that coping mechanism to rest and discover something new.

Bury That Shit

I mean, if you’re my kind of client, you’re good at burying shit – your feelings, difficult memories, you name it.

But instead of burying or repressing your coping mechanism in the traditional sense (i.e., pretending it’s not there or stuffing it down), I encourage my clients to imagine having a funeral for that skill- bear with me while I give you this morbid assignment. Imagine placing your coping skill into the ground and giving a thoughtful eulogy. What aspects of said skill are you thankful for? What situations did it help you survive or get through? What did it protect you from? When did you first notice that the skill wasn’t doing well anymore (a.k.a. was on its way out)? What are your last words? And then lay that shit to rest.

Now, skills are rarely buried forever and sometimes I recommend resurrecting some skills from “the dead” from time to time (i.e., when going home for the holidays, it might be best to use distractions like doom scrolling to avoid predictable family conflicts). Again, when we take the “good” and “bad” binary out of how we think about coping skills, it opens up opportunities for us to examine how and when we use them (and if they are functioning how they need to).

Ready to make a change? Begin therapy in New York, NY

If you live in New York State and would like to explore your current ways of coping or are open to learning alternative ways, contact me today. I’d love to help. Don’t let shame or guilt keep you from seeking the support you deserve.

1. Reach out today and take the first step towards learning more adaptive skills for where you are in the here and now.

2. Learn more about my approach here.

3. Enjoy life again with your newfound skills and live with less shame and guilt!

Other Services I Offer Online Anywhere in New York

When your current ways of coping aren’t working like they used to, I’m here to help you revive your toolbox. In addition to teaching you more adaptive coping skills, I offer specialized services to help you navigate through different phases and experiences. Anywhere in New York, I offer therapy for postpartum and pregnancy concerns, burnout, general support, infertility and pregnancy loss, and family planning therapy.

About The Author:

Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. With a deep understanding of the complexities of burnout, Dr. Ruby provides a safe and supportive space for clients to explore their emotions and develop strategies to overcome exhaustion and regain their zest for life. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.