The Hidden Toll of Decision Fatigue in Relationships: Insights from a Burnout Therapist in New York
Ever feel like you’re running on empty, even though you’re not exactly sure why? Do you catch yourself rolling your eyes when you see a text message pop up from your partner in the middle of the day? Maybe you’ve been snappy with your partner when they ask you yet another thing. If this sounds like you, you might be dealing with something called decision fatigue, and it’s not just a buzzword—it’s a real thing that can seriously affect your relationship.
What is Decision Fatigue?
Decision fatigue is that groggy, overwhelmed feeling you get when you’ve had to make too many choices in one day. It’s like your brain’s battery is running low, and suddenly even picking out a movie or deciding what’s for dinner feels burdensome. It’s not just about the big life decisions either. Every tiny choice, from what to wear to which route to take to work, chips away at your mental energy.
You might be thinking, “Okay, but what does this have to do with my relationship?” Well, everything. When your brain is exhausted from making decisions and you feel like you’re the only person making the decisions in your relationship, it can create a tense environment between you and your partner (at best). Or it can be the big red flag that you are ready to leave. Think about it: After a long day of deciding what’s for lunch, which emails to answer, and what meeting to attend, the mental load of choosing where to go for dinner or what movie to watch can feel overwhelming. It’s like your brain’s decision-making capacity has been maxed out, and it’s just done. This can lead to snapping at your partner over trivial matters, withdrawing from meaningful conversations, or simply not putting in the effort to connect (e.g., ignoring phone calls; scarfing down dinner, or going to bed earlier just to avoid spending time with them).
How Decision Fatigue Manifests in Relationships
Irritability Over Small Stuff
That tiny misstep your partner made, like forgetting to take out the trash or forgetting to do that errand for you, might suddenly seem like the biggest issue in the world. What’s actually happening is that you’re too drained to handle minor annoyances gracefully which can lead to bigger blowups over time. If this sounds like your relationship, you likely feel unseen, unheard, or unimportant enough for your partner to keep you in mind (because you keep them in mind in everything that you do, like their food preferences and work schedule). If you find yourself feeling angry over minor inconveniences, it may also be a good indicator that you have taken on a parenting role in your relationship (e.g., having to constantly remind them of tasks they agreed to do, picking up after them when they drop the ball – figuratively, and planning for a future that impacts multiple people, not just you). This is an excellent way to end up resenting your partner…if you don’t already.
Avoiding Important Conversations
When your decision-making battery is depleted, you might start avoiding conversations that require emotional investment or problem-solving. And this is the last thing that you want to do; you already spend your day figuring shit out for yourself, and now you may be problem-solving for two. If the thought of discussing future plans or addressing relationship issues feels too heavy, you may find yourself scrolling through your phone or binge-watching TV instead of using these opportunities to connect with your partner. I get it. However, icing your partner out won’t address the issue at hand because your partner cannot read your mind. They may be oblivious to the issue at hand. Or they may believe that since you’re so communicative, you would openly address any concern you have. To put it plainly, your silence may actually communicate to your partner that ‘everything is okay’ even though it is painfully obvious to you that it is not.
Neglecting Emotional Needs
When you’re worn out from constant decision-making, it’s easy to neglect your partner’s emotional needs. You might not be as attentive or supportive as you usually are because you’re burnt out from the relationship. This can lead them to feel unseen, unheard, and unimportant which can create a tricky ‘oppression Olympics’ on who feels the most neglected and unloved in the partnership. I’ll save you a therapy session here – no one wins this competition (i.e., “No, you don’t feel unimportant because I feel unimportant”) and it is often the ‘kiss of death’ more times than not.
Tips to Manage Decision Fatigue Together
Simplify Choices:
One way to combat decision fatigue is to streamline your choices. This could mean setting routines or defaults for some decisions. For instance, having a meal plan for the week can reduce the daily stress of what’s for dinner. You can also agree on regular date nights or activities to remove the stress of planning. There are also several websites dedicated to reducing the numerous choice points in our daily lives. Websites like Wheel of Dinner and Random Meal Generator can help you pick cuisines to order from or entire meal ideas (with recipes included). My Spicy Vanilla and The Date Idea help you come up with new and unique date ideas using the power of AI. If you feel like you always have to come up with things to talk about, then card games can be a great way to get to talking without feeling the burden of keeping it going, like We’re Not Really Strangers, which also has a Couples and XXX edition.
Share the Load:
If decision fatigue is affecting your relationship, try sharing the decision-making responsibilities. If one partner handles most of the day-to-day choices, it can lead to imbalance and increased stress. Divide tasks and decisions more evenly and support each other in managing the mental load. However, there is a difference between sharing the load and expecting your partner to read your mind (and do the thing that you thought of but never actually expressed). Sharing the load first requires communication. If it is hard for you to communicate what you need with your partner, there may be an underlying issue of trust, safety, or resentment in the relationship. If you don’t trust that your partner will show up for you or can, you’re less likely to ask. If asking for help or sharing the load in the past has led to big blowups, you may not feel emotionally safe to be that vulnerable again. And if you’re resenting your partner, you’re less likely to want to speak to them about your needs in the first place. If any of these scenarios resonate with you, it may be worthwhile to consider individual therapy with a licensed psychologist, such as myself, or couples therapy.
Establish ‘No-Decision’ Zones:
Create areas in your relationship where decisions are minimal or non-existent. This could mean setting aside certain times for relaxation or creating routine habits that don’t require much thought. It’s about finding balance and reducing the pressure of constant decision-making.
Communicate Openly & Prioritize Self-Care:
Discussing how decision fatigue is affecting you with your partner can be a game-changer. Being open about your struggles can foster understanding and empathy. It also allows you both to work together to find solutions and support each other
Taking care of yourself is crucial when dealing with decision fatigue. Regular breaks, healthy eating, adequate sleep, and stress-relief activities can all help recharge your brain and improve your overall well-being. A well-rested mind is better equipped to handle decisions and maintain a positive relationship dynamic.
Final Thoughts as a Burnout Therapist
Decision fatigue isn’t something to brush off—it’s a real issue that can impact your relationship in subtle but significant ways. By recognizing the signs and implementing strategies to manage it, you can reduce its toll and maintain a healthier, more balanced relationship. Remember, it’s not about eliminating decisions but managing them in a way that doesn’t leave both of you feeling drained. So, take a deep breath and remember that you both benefit when you tackle the small and big stuff together. Your relationship—and your sanity—will thank you.
If you’d like to explore decision fatigue with a burnout therapist, consider reaching out to The Lavender Therapy today.
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Don't let decision fatigue drain your relationship. At The Lavender Therapy, I understand how burnout can creep into every aspect of your life, including your relationship. If you're tired of feeling overwhelmed, it's time to take a step toward healing.
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Other Services I Offer As A Therapist for Burnout
In addition to helping women manage decision fatigue, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, therapy for women, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way. I also offer therapy for infertility and pregnancy loss, let's work together to find balance and well-being in your life.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. In addition to providing decision fatigue relief tips and tricks, Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor’s and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
