When Self-Care Feels Impossible: Balancing Responsibilities with Personal Well-Being
Apparently, in order to be functional, successful adults in our society, we have to drink a gallon of water, take vitamins (but not overload on nutrients), fit in at least 30 minutes of exercise, sleep 9-10 hours (especially if you are menstruating), make time for friends and family while balancing a romantic relationship, have a “third space” that’s neither home nor work, carve out “me time”, pour into our hobbies, work 8+ hours, raise healthy, happy, and confident children (if you so choose), and so on and so forth all within a 24-hour cycle. My hands are tired from typing this out, and of course, there is so much more! No wonder it feels impossible to practice self-care – it’s too fucking much!
The myth of a perfect self-care routine
As a burnout therapist, I can confidently say that society has set up unrealistic expectations that 1) we should be able to do all the above self-care activities plus more to be considered ‘healthy’ and 2) once we’ve achieved said balance, we’re golden. Neither could be farther from the truth. If we take a second to step back from the “maximize every second of the day with self-care” culture spewed on Instagram and other social media platforms, you may notice that trying to fit all these practices into your day is making your burnout worse. It’s very hard to feel present with family members and friends when you’re contemplating how you’ll fit that new hobby into your routine. And how are you supposed to feel refreshed and rejuvenated if you’re constantly beating yourself up about not exercising enough or going to bed at a decent time? Do you see where I’m going here? We’re so preoccupied with perfecting self-care that we’ve lost the purpose of it and have now become blinded to the reality that “good enough” self-care is good enough.
Good enough is enough
Do you need to do all the above to practice self-care? In my professional opinion, the answer is an easy “No!” Now, this doesn’t mean that I want you to stop eating meals regularly, hydrating, or sleeping. Please do. However, scientists don’t even agree about how we should balance these self-care practices to live an optimal life! Take the next three minutes to Google “How much X should I get” or “Is Y or Z better for me?” and you’ll probably find yourself amid a nerdy debate. What’s helpful for some may not be helpful for you and if you are like my clients, you are likely stressing yourself out even more trying to follow the latest lifestyle and self-care trends. Let me be the first to tell you that you are not alone and these ads/posts are very fucking convincing (I am staring at my foam roller and other self-care impulse purchases as I type this out). Perfecting your self-care routine isn’t working for you because there is no such thing. You are smart, resourceful, and can Google the hell out of anything. If there was such a thing as ‘mastering self-care’, I am 100% confident that you would have figured it out by now.
Compassion over perfection
If the idea of trying to fit all these self-care activities perfectly into your day gets in the way of actually doing them or occupies an ungodly amount of brain space for you (even when you aren’t actively doing them), then it’s not actually worth it. Again, good enough is good enough. When I say “good enough,” I’m really speaking to the benefits of practicing compassionate self-care (as opposed to chasing perfection). With this approach, the goal is to quiet our inner critic by making peace with our choices (even when they aren’t the most health-focused). For example, today, you had two meals and a snack, were 15 minutes late to school pick-up, walked for 10 minutes during your lunch break, and felt refreshed after taking a 20-minute nap (instead of going for another walk). If you can shift your inner voice to see these as personal wins rather than failures, you’re going to be more likely to want to do them again (because you’re not going to do the things you feel bad at). With time and enough repetition, you will build and maintain healthy habits that become lifestyle changes. And compared to last week (when you were 20 minutes late to pick-up, forgot to eat, slept for 8 hours but still felt like death the following day), what you were able to do today is a vast improvement. This is what I mean by “good enough.”
Adapting your self-care routine to life changes
Now, if you have a regimen of self-care practices that work for you, you might fall into the trap of thinking that all you have to do is maintain this routine to continue reaping the benefits. However, this is also not the case. What helped you feel centered and restored today after your long workday was not helpful three weeks ago when you got a flat tire and a parking ticket, and will also not help when it’s time for you to spend time with some very triggering relatives during your next visit home. That’s because when we hear the word ‘balance’, we think of something stationary and resistant to change, but life is anything but! If our environment is constantly changing, how we restore and care for ourselves must also change with it.
To maintain balance within our self-care practices, then we need to carefully consider how our environment alters what we need in order to show up for ourselves (i.e., do you need more, less, or just about the same amount of self-care today as you need yesterday?). For example, I know that when I see a lot of clients in one day, cooking is automatically off the table. I don’t have the capacity for cooking after long therapy days so I keep Trader Joe’s prosciutto and arugula flatbread on hand for days like these. I also know that fitting in a 30-minute walk at some point helps me break up some of the heaviness of my longer days (that I don’t otherwise need on my shorter days). Taking a moment to ask yourself, “What is being asked of me today” and “What do I need to ensure I’m taken care of right now” can help you figure out which changes in your routine can be most impactful on your well-being.
Embracing flexibility and compassion
It’s essential to recognize that self-care isn’t about adhering to a strict regimen of activities and routines. Rather, it’s about tuning into your own needs and making choices that genuinely nurture your well-being. Society’s unrealistic expectations can create a sense of inadequacy and exacerbate burnout. However, embracing a more flexible and compassionate approach to self-care can lead to a healthier, more balanced life. Remember, “good enough” truly is good enough. Celebrate your small victories and understand that your needs will evolve. By adjusting your self-care habits to fit your current circumstances, you can create a sustainable and fulfilling routine that supports your overall happiness and well-being.
Start your journey to true balance today: Burnout therapy in New York, NY
If you're ready to let go of the pressure to perfect your self-care routine and embrace a more compassionate, flexible approach, I'm here to help. Together, we can find a balance that truly supports your well-being without adding to your burnout. Let's work on creating a self-care plan that feels good enough for you—because that's all it needs to be. Reach out today to start your journey towards a healthier, happier life.
Learn more about how burnout can affect your work life, relationships, and more through my blogs.
Develop a self-care routine based on self-compassion and what you need to thrive.
Other services I offer anywhere in New York
In addition to helping women manage relationship burnout, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, therapy for women, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way. Let's work together to find balance and well-being in your life.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. In addition to providing compassionate self-care ideas, Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor’s and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
