Your Therapist Could Be Stagnating Your Progress in Therapy
If you’ve ever found yourself revisiting the same conversations for months with a therapist (or even a friend or partner) you know the frustration that comes with feeling stagnated or “stuck” in a problem or issue. Maybe you’ve tried looking at it from different angles and your therapist is always supportive.
While the support feels great (and maybe lessens the frustration sometimes), the most viable solution to your concern never actually turns up. Sometimes, the culprit is who you’re trying to solve the situation or problem with – you’re never going to reach that breakthrough with a ‘yes-man’ in your corner.
Before working with me, my clients often said that their previous therapist would “uh huh” or “yes” them over and over but never held them accountable for their actions (which surprise, surprise, helped maintain the problem). Again, while the unwavering support felt wonderful, it didn’t actually lessen their pain or help them get “unstuck” in their life. One client even joked that she could have “gotten away with murder” and her former therapist wouldn’t have batted an eye! What my clients came to realize was that their ‘yes-man’ therapist was an utter waste of time and money, and without someone to actually be honest with them and hold them accountable, therapy didn’t change a thing.
That’s the myth about therapy – therapy is “supposed to be a compassionate, metaphoric hug that leaves you feeling like ‘your best self’ after every session.” Therapy is not all rainbows and sunshine. In fact, sometimes you’ll leave the session feeling heavier than when you began it and that’s okay. That, quite literally, is the process of therapy or “doing the work.” It requires you to be uncomfortable. As a therapist, my job is to slowly help you bring the insights you’ve kept tucked away in the back of your mind to the forefront; I’ll help you see what you’ve been avoiding, examine your self-sabotaging behaviors, and ask the questions you’ve been too afraid to ask yourself. Sound scary? Don’t worry, a good therapist is able to strike the necessary balance between holding up a mirror and taking it away when what you’re seeing is too overwhelming. First and foremost, I prioritize trust and safety, and these are aspects of you that I am happy and honored to earn. I also love using humor (light or dark), quirky anecdotes, and reality TV/pop culture references to add balance to our sessions while also tracking your body language and tone, and using direct questions to determine our pace. In essence, we’ll have lots of opportunities to “come up for air” while diving deep together.
When I end therapy with a client (a.k.a. discharge them) I usually here the same two pieces of feedback - 1) I am warm and compassionate and 2) I “call them out” or challenge them. These are two important traits that always let me know that I am actually helping my clients find and achieve sustainable change. I warmly and honestly challenge my clients to see additional perspectives of themselves, others, and the world.
Don’t get me wrong, they don’t always like being called out – people rarely do – yet they see the immediate benefits of looking at the same exact situation from a different lens and discussing how their actions (or lack thereof) contribute to their pain (or make it worse). For example, in my work with burnt out moms, I constantly hear that their community, “village”, or “tribe” isn’t showing up for them or their child in the way that they’d hoped. This is the perfect recipe for postpartum depression and burnout. Yet, what my clients don’t consider is that they also are not allowing their community to show up for them (e.g., “I don’t like the way PERSON bathes CHILD,” “I just know PERSON won’t do as good of a job with CHILD as I would,” or “They don’t even know I am struggling but they should.”). In this example, two things are true – 1) your community isn’t showing up for you and 2) you aren’t letting them.
I want to be clear here – I don’t blame you for your pain or suffering. You’re already a pro at that (cue the shame and guilt). Because you’re so good at beating yourself up, I don’t want to add my voice to that. My role as your therapist is to help you become aware of the thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns that maintain your concerns and make them worse. I help you take healthy accountability and understand the role of systems and institutions in your life (e.g., hospitals, schools, and the government and economy, etc.) to help you develop a more balanced perspective of yourself, your concerns, and the world.
Begin Therapy to Reach Your Goals in New York, NY
You are determined to make strides toward your goals but need an honest and direct therapist who can balance validating and challenging you. If you're tired of being “yes'ed” by well-intentioned people in your life, contact me today. Follow the steps below to get started:
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Other Services I offer Anywhere in New York
In addition to helping you reach your goals by offering you an honest yet balanced perspective, I provide a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, burnout, general support, infertility or pregnancy loss, or family planning, I'm here to guide you every step of the way. Let's work together to help you reach your goals.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. With a deep understanding of the complexities of burnout, Dr. Ruby provides a safe and supportive space for clients to explore their emotions and develop strategies to overcome exhaustion and regain their zest for life. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
