Exhausted by Modern Dating? How to Reignite Your Love Life Without Burning Out
You can’t stand the thought of swiping left or right and you’re convinced that your mind is going numb each time you open your dating apps. None of the new “tips and tricks” to hacking your dating apps’ algorithm are working for you anymore. You dread putting in the time, money, and a new outfit to attend another speed dating event. You have a whole routine for getting ready for dates which might consist of sulking in bed and trying to convince yourself that maybe (just maybe) this date will yield promising results. And if you talk about your favorite color or your love language on a first date again, you’re sure you’ll snap. If any of this sounds like you, you are likely burnt out from dating.
What is Dating Burnout?
With the rise (and impending fall) of dating apps, dating burnout is at an all-time high. Just like career, parental, caregiver, and relationship burnout, dating burnout highlights the mental exhaustion you can experience as you navigate meeting, dating, and establishing meaningful emotional connections with others. Unlike the dating scene in your parents and grandparents’ generation, this digital age has given you unprecedented access to millions of people at the click of a button. You are no longer confined to just dating those who live nearby, co-workers, or friends of friends. Now, you have access to dating apps (as of this blog post, there are more than 1,500 dating apps available worldwide), and are no longer confined to your city, state, or country! And if you think the number of dating apps is overwhelming, a 2021 research study found that over 323 million people use dating app in the United States alone. Dating apps not your thing? You’re not alone. The market for matchmaking and speed dating services has also increased. A quick search for speed dating events in New York City on Eventbrite.com generated 84 pages of results (that’s right, PAGES). How can you mentally and emotionally wrap your mind around finding your “one” when the dating pool just became a dating galaxy?
The answer is simple – you don’t, and you become burnt out. You can blame dating app algorithms and neuroscience. Dating apps in particular are designed to push out your dating profile to all of its users within your specified parameters (i.e., age range, race, and location), thus generating dozens to hundreds of likes in a matter of minutes. Over time (and rather quickly), your profile becomes sequestered, only being viewed by a small percentage of what once was thousands of people. How exactly does neuroscience come into play here? Your dopaminergic pathways are the answer.
What are the five dopaminergic pathways?
The five dopaminergic pathways are distinct systems of neurons that release dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation. They play a major role in creating feelings of happiness and euphoria, which is why some dopaminergic pathways are dubbed “the reward center” of the brain. Specific pathways are also involved in addictions (this is important). When you get a like, match, or compliment (on the apps or in person), your dopaminergic pathway literally and figuratively lights up, shooting dopamine through specific pathways that make you feel excited, motivated, desired, and happy. When dating apps begin to limit your profile viewership, your likes begin to tank and the place that once made you feel attractive, funny, and sexy now makes you believe that you are a grumpy old troll who should live under a bridge. Your mind struggles to understand the reality that you went from 50+ likes in a few hours to barely 10 likes or matches for an entire week. Oh, and the quality of your matches also tanks (thank you, algorithm). So what do you naturally do? You open and refresh the apps, constantly checking for the same quantity and quality of matches that you had on the first day that you launched your profile. Yet, this doesn’t seem to happen. You’re tired of seeing David and Tyrone’s faces every five days, you’re downloading yet another app with a new “twist” to help you “find your match”, and you still can’t stop opening the damn app or signing up for yet another speed dating event. This is addiction.
Signs of Dating Burnout
You may be experiencing dating burnout if you’re:
Dreading going on dates or making new connections
Struggling to remember the faces, names, or important details of connections or conversations that you otherwise would remember
More critical of yourself including your physical appearance or personality
Feeling more irritable or less patient
Avoiding messages from (potential) dates or responding slower than usual
Losing hope about the possibility of connecting with someone
Feeling like dating is a chore
Carrying the bulk of conversations/question asking during dates or bringing all of the liveliness, joy, or spontaneity
Not prioritizing self-care
Struggling with rejection or ghosting (being ghosted or doing the ghosting) more than usual
Noticing that your conversations with dates/potential matches feel monotonous
More critical of other people’s profiles or physical appearances
Dismissing potential dates more quickly than you normally would
Hoping that your date will be canceled
How to Manage Dating Burnout
Take Breaks
Whether you are using dating apps, searching for speed dating events, or hoping for a natural “meet cute” encounter, recognizing when you’re feeling burnt out from dating and taking a step back can offer you the reprieve you need. As with any form of burnout, there are early warning signs that let you know that you are becoming increasingly overwhelmed, and dating burnout is no different. Do you notice that you take longer and longer to respond to their texts or calls? Do you scoff when they ask you filler questions like, “How did you sleep?”? When you can notice the early signs that you are headed for ‘burnoutsville’, taking a step back from dating apps, events, and meet-cutes can give you the space to reprioritize yourself again.
Limit Matches to 5 People at a Time
Dating apps are by far one of the most popular forms of dating today and it’s easy to make matches but much harder to make meaningful connections. If you’re noticing that you dread opening your apps and replying to messages, it may be because you have 37 matches from people that you likely swiped just for the hell of it or “for the plot”. And what happens when all (or most) of those people send you a message (whether it’s interesting or not)? You get overwhelmed and feel like you’re drowning in connections – and these aren’t even true connections! Limiting your matches to five people at a time requires you to swipe on profiles with intention, read profiles more carefully, and make intentional decisions. And if you are already at five connections in your “match pool” and are ready to like a sixth profile, this method requires you to consider your current matches and make a decision about the nature of one or more of these connections. Essentially, you get to have your own version of the Bachelorette here where you are the one handing out the final five roses – use them wisely.
This strategy will also slow you down so that you aren’t making decisions based on temporary feelings. “Insta-macy” or “instant intimacy” happens all too frequently at speed dating events and on the apps. It’s this constant need to make deep connections in an insanely short amount of time (think: Love Is Blind). Yet, there is no way we can truly know the full depths of a person in such a short amount of time. That’s why any therapist (or statistician) worth their salt will tell you that the Love Is Blind experiment does not work – but it makes damn good television. True intimacy requires trust, safety, and vulnerability so believe me when I tell you that you cannot foster true intimacy with 37 matches. It’s just not happening.
Dating Serially vs. Sequentially
If you’ve watched Indian Matchmaking on Netflix, then you already know that Sima Aunty recommends dating one person at a time because “more than that, you’ll get confused.” Now, she may be on to something here. However, at my practice, I’m okay with my clients aligning with one or the other. Notice how you feel when you date multiple people at once compared to one at a time. Notice how you feel going into and just after these dates (and how many people you’re dating if you choose the serial option, of course). Do you feel tired after going on back-to-back dates? Are you mixing up the facts or details about your date’s life when you date serially? Do you notice that you go “all in” on one person when you date sequentially? Take stock of how your mental and emotional health changes based on these two styles.
Get Active
This may be a controversial take, and I recommend activity dates over dinner and other traditional first dates (i.e., movie dates). View early/first dates as an opportunity to see if you even enjoy spending time with that person and not as an interview or “do or die” elimination round. These setups tend to happen when you’re sitting across from someone, like at dinner, which can make the ‘getting to know you’ portion of dating taxing and daunting. Remember when dating used to be fun and easy in the beginning stages? Let’s get back to that with activities. Whether you enjoy rock climbing, axe throwing, or playing with life-size versions of your favorite games, activity dates are a great way to bring fun, ease, and effortlessness back into dating.
If you tend to carry the conversations during the early stages of dating, activity dates are a fun way to break this cycle. This doesn’t always mean that the other person cannot hold or carry a conversation (i.e., first-date jitters), so leaving the dinner date to the second or third date may take some of the anxiety away. Activity dates are great to see if you both can have fun together and can engage in each other’s hobbies/activities. And when all else fails, you can always bring conversation-starting games with you. This way, neither person feels the onus of carrying the weight of breaking the ice and being the “personality hire” which also contributes to dating burnout.
Overcoming Burnout with a Burnout Therapist in New York, NY
Feeling drained from dating and wondering if it’s even worth it anymore? You don’t have to navigate this burnout alone. Whether you’re tired of swiping, exhausted from trying to make meaningful connections, or just need a break from it all, I’m here to help. As a therapist who understands the toll of dating burnout, I can guide you in finding balance, restoring your confidence, and approaching dating with a renewed mindset. Take the first step toward reclaiming your energy and joy—reach out today to schedule a session. You deserve to feel excited about dating again, not burned out!
Learn more about my services at The Lavender Therapy.
Let’s work together to find beautiful, meaningful connections!
Other Online Therapy Services I offer in NY
In addition to helping women manage dating burnout, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, therapy for women, family planning therapy, or infertility support, I'm here to guide you every step of the way. Let's work together to find balance and well-being in your life.
About the Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. With a focus on helping clients reconnect with themselves and find effective self-care strategies, Dr. Ruby provides personalized therapy to address the root causes of burnout. Dr. Ruby is also dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so that they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
