From Tiny Tasks to Total Exhaustion: Recognizing and Addressing Relationship Burnout
I love working with women who occupy the “doer” role in their romantic relationships; there is something about my problem-solving mama’s, Mrs. Fixit’s, and troubleshooting baddies that adds such a flow and electricity to sessions. Now, contrary to popular belief, my “doers” don’t make my job easier – it actually becomes harder. Women who tend to be the “doers” or problem-solvers in their romantic relationships take the “If you want anything done, do it yourself” mantra to heart and struggle to believe that other people can (and will) show up for them. Unfortunately, women who are really good at problem-solving tend to carry the bulk of the mental load in their partnership. Maybe you relate to season 1 Issa in Insecure where she’s working full time to support herself and Lawrence. Perhaps Modern Family’s very own Clair Dunphy is your life in comedy form (but your experiences aren’t as funny). Or you might be able to relate to anything Adele or SZA have ever written. If this sounds like you, you may be feeling burnt out because the roles and responsibilities in your partnership are severely unbalanced.
Let me paint a picture of what relationship burnout looks like:
You are the go-to person for small and large tasks alike.
Nothing gets figured out or resolved without your say-so, even when you beg your partner to make a decision for/without you.
If you don’t remind or “nag” your partner about something, it doesn’t get done.
You keep your schedule and their schedule in mind when you plan dates, appointments, vacations, etc, but don’t receive the same level of thoughtfulness and consideration back.
If you don’t keep your emotions at bay, fights will escalate.
You do most or all the household chores or maintenance.
You seem to be the only one coming up with viable solutions during fights or compromising more to resolve disagreements.
What’s clear is that you are doing an incredible amount of mental gymnastics just to keep your relationship afloat, and you worry that if you stop (just for a second to catch your breath), the entire relationship will come tumbling down. In time, you (the burnt-out partner) may realize that you have not been a true partner for some time but instead have become a parent to your ‘better half’.
Understanding Relationship Burnout
Like any form of burnout, you didn’t start your relationship feeling this way. That’s because it progresses insidiously. It often stems from a buildup of minor, seemingly insignificant tasks and responsibilities that, over time, become overwhelming. Maybe it started with you picking restaurants for date night, then progressed to planning weekends/weeks to take vacations because you “are the more organized one”. But then it progressed to you managing more of the household chores or childcare because you “just do it better.” Now, your partner offers a lot of “I don’t know” responses during fights and disagreements which puts you in the position to figure out their feelings, your feelings, and alternative solutions to move forward (otherwise your relationship would have remained stagnant at best or would have ended altogether). Now, you are somehow the “go-to” person for everything in your relationship and the demands far outweigh the rewards.
If left unchecked, relationship burnout can lead to:
Emotional Exhaustion. Feeling drained after interactions with your partner which can manifest as irritability, mood swings, or feeling overwhelmed.
Detachment. You may find yourself withdrawing, avoiding conversations, or feeling indifferent about the relationship.
Decreased Satisfaction. Activities and experiences that once brought you joy and satisfaction now feel like chores. This can include date nights, sex, vacations, quality time, and shared hobbies.
Increased Conflicts. Small disagreements quickly escalate into major arguments.
Neglect of Self-Care. If you are overwhelmed by the demands of your relationship, you are more likely to neglect your own needs and self-care routines, which worsens burnout.
Addressing Relationship Burnout
We have to know what we’re dealing with in order to address it; recognizing the signs of burnout is the first step toward feeling like yourself again. Once identified, several strategies can help to improve the relationship. However, this requires both/all parties to be equally invested in making the necessary adjustments to create lasting change.
1. Open and Honest Communication
Creating a safe space for open and honest communication is vital. All parties need to express their feelings, needs, and concerns without fear of judgment or retaliation. Suppose your partner is prone to reacting negatively to feedback. In that case, it may be helpful to communicate the specific positive changes you would like to see in the relationship, rather than what’s wrong. For example, if you are doing most of the household chores, instead of saying, “You never help me out with the chores” you could say, “I’d love it if you handled the kitchen and bathroom chores moving forward” or “The kitchen and bathroom chores are too much for me to handle by myself. Which room would you prefer to clean moving forward”? It’s not lost on me that this still requires a lot of forethought and mental energy on your part at the moment. However, regular check-ins and discussions about the state of the relationship can help address issues before they escalate, decreasing your burnout in the long run.
2. Rebalancing Responsibilities & Prioritizing Self-Care
With your partner, assess the distribution of responsibilities in the relationship. Then, figure out how to rebalance shared and individual roles. Think about your personal financial, occupational, emotional, social, parental, and/or spiritual responsibilities and understand where you can delegate tasks, share duties, and seek external help. Could you both benefit from hiring a weekly cleaner? Should you sign up for that volunteer work trip given how exhausted you are? Could your partner take on bath duties two-to-three times per week so that you can go to bible study or have dedicated prayer time? It is important to note that recalibrating the roles and expectations in your relationship will take time and is completely experimental. You will probably not figure out the perfect division of work right away, so please be patient with yourselves and each other. Going in with the “let’s see what works best for us” mindset can significantly reduce everyone’s frustration.
Recognizing and appreciating each other's efforts can foster a sense of teamwork and partnership. Encouraging each other to prioritize self-care is also essential. This includes physical activities, hobbies, socializing with friends, and taking time for yourself. A healthy relationship thrives when you and your spouse/partner are mentally and physically well.
3. Setting Boundaries or Ending the Relationship
Establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial in preventing burnout. This includes setting limits on work hours, personal space, and time spent together. You can read more about how to set boundaries here. However, if you are the only person committed to doing the work, ending the relationship may be your best option.
4. Seeking Professional Help
Sometimes, external support from a burnout therapist, such as myself, is necessary. Individual or couples therapy can provide valuable insights and strategies for managing relationship burnout. Therapy can help you identify underlying issues and unhelpful behavioral patterns while teaching you how to communicate effectively with one another.
If you live in New York State and are struggling with relationship burnout, contact me today. I’d love to help.
Begin Therapy for Burnout in New York, NY
If you're the “doer” in your relationship, always juggling a million tasks and feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, it's time for a change. Relationship burnout is real, and you deserve better than to be constantly exhausted and unappreciated. Imagine a partnership where responsibilities are shared, communication is open, and you feel supported and valued. It’s possible, and I’m here to help you achieve that balance. Follow the steps below to get started:
Contact me now and start your journey towards a more fulfilling, joyful partnership.
Learn more about my approach here.
Be in a relationship where you can thrive, not just survive.
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In addition to helping women manage relationship burnout, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, therapy for women, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way. Let's work together to find balance and well-being in your life.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based licensed psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction and parent burnout. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor’s and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
