Parenting on Empty: How to Recognize and Recover from Burnout
If there is one thing I enjoy being, it’s honest. And honestly, sometimes being a parent fucking sucks! I know, I know, this is not something that women (or anyone) are “allowed” to say. However, keeping it a secret doesn’t detract from the fact that you feel like you are barely crossing the parenting finish line some days. Whether you always wanted to be a mom or were surprised into parenthood, no one really prepared you to parent on empty, and you are burnt out.
Sure, we openly talk about the sleepless nights you’ll get in the first three months with a baby and how toddlers can be your shadow in one moment and want nothing to do with you in the next. But who knew you would become a human receptacle for pee, slobber, and throw up? No one quite explained how triggering toddlers could be (and they really, really are). Regardless if your child is 11 months or 11 years old, you worry about their nutrition, developmental milestones, and overall happiness, all the while wondering if you’re doing a good job. Parenting can be rewarding but it can also be exhausting and shying away from this fact doesn’t make it any less true. Suppressing our inner thoughts and feelings is an amazing way for shame and guilt to fester, and when left unaddressed, can show up as depression and anxiety.
You may be trying to rediscover who you are outside of your role as a mom, what is next for you in life, and how you can reconnect with your ever-changing body all while running on empty. Recognizing and addressing your parental burnout is crucial for both you and the entire family. So, pull up a chair, and let’s have a really honest and transparent conversation.
Recognizing the Signs of Parental Burnout
The biggest contributor to parental burnout is a loss of sense of self – this is a therapist's way of asking “Who are you at this stage of life?” Because you are responsible for keeping small humans alive 24/7, you don’t have the same amount of time, energy, or resources to put into your hobbies as well as your work, spiritual, social, or love life pre-children. It can feel hard to recognize yourself and you may feel isolated, guilty, and ashamed for not being the “perfect parent.” But, you are not alone. Research shows that over 66% of parents experience burnout and the likelihood of experiencing burnout increases for women, parents with (un)diagnosed mental health disorders, and parents of children with anxiety and ADHD.
Common thoughts and signs of parental burnout include:
“Every day is a struggle”. Constant fatigue, even after a full night's sleep. You may feel physically drained and struggle to keep up with daily tasks.
“I am alone”. Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected from your kids and family is common. This detachment might lead to a lack of empathy and patience.
“I’m suffering and my kids are suffering”. Increased irritability, frustration, and mood. You may also find yourself snapping over minor issues, screaming at, or spanking your kids more often.
“I don’t enjoy being with my kids anymore”. Noticing a significant drop in parental satisfaction and joy from spending time with children can signal burnout.
“I work 168 hours a week with no time off and no additional pay”. Difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, and impaired decision-making are signs that mental exhaustion is setting in.
The Impact of Parental Burnout
Depression, anxiety, chronic health conditions, and increased alcohol use are strongly linked to parental burnout. However, the effects extend beyond you and impact the entire family. Your kids might notice your withdrawal and mood changes. Which can lead to confusion and stress as well as emotional and behavioral issues. When we’re emotionally detached or consistently irritable, they can feel neglected and insecure. This lack of emotional support can hinder their development. Often leading to anxiety, academic underperformance, and difficulties forming healthy relationships. Additionally, your kids may also mimic your stress responses, adopting unhealthy coping mechanisms. But it doesn’t stop there. In relationships, parental burnout can lead to more conflict and emotional distance between you and your partner. You, the stressed parent, may become irritable, impatient, and less communicative, creating misunderstandings and tension. This can erode emotional intimacy and mutual support, which are necessary components of healthy relationships. Over time, this can weaken the relationship bond, making it harder to navigate parenting challenges together.
Strategies for Recovering from Parental Burnout
Recovery from parental burnout requires intentional self-care and lifestyle adjustments. Here are some strategies to help you recharge and restore balance:
Prioritize Self-Care: Self-care is not a luxury but a necessity, especially in parenthood when you’re often running on empty. Engage in activities that rejuvenate you, which may include hobbies and interests you had pre-children. Did you volunteer, play tennis, enjoy crocheting, or have a passion for fashion? Whatever it may be, experiment with different ways you incorporate those interests in your life.
Ask for help: Not asking for help is the perfect way to remain burnt out. And believe me, your grave will not say “Struggled well” or “Made pain look beautiful” on it. So what is the merit of suffering in silence? Don't hesitate to ask for help from family, friends, or a burnout therapist, such as myself. Many women get stuck on what they can or should ask for. Whatever can help ease some of your load. This could include someone to watch the kids for an hour while you get some alone time, help folding laundry, funny videos, tips, and tricks from other parents who’ve been where you are, or coping skills to manage and reduce your suffering.
Establish Boundaries: There is a lot on your plate and shit is spilling over. Maybe you’ve thought to yourself that you “just need to be stronger” or “everyone else is balancing” so you should too. Again, chugging through burnout isn’t the sign of honor or strength that you think it is. Establishing your boundaries, delegating responsibility to others where you can, and saying ‘no’ to things people will try to push off on you will help decrease your burnout symptoms. While it’s hard, your future self will thank you.
Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle and Take Breaks: Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep (9-10 hours for women) are foundational to combating burnout. Schedule regular breaks and vacations to recharge. Even breaks as short as five minutes throughout the day are shown to improve burnout symptoms.
Final Thoughts From A Burnout Therapist in New York
You don’t need the cast of Bad Moms to tell you how hard and stressful parenthood is (but if you do, it’s streaming on Netflix). Still, it’s a glorified depiction of parenting on empty, but it gets the idea across. Acknowledging your burnout and embracing these feelings (as opposed to pushing them away) is vital for your well-being and your family's overall health. By recognizing the signs of parental burnout, understanding its impact, and implementing strategies to recover, you can navigate the challenges of parenthood more effectively. Let's keep the conversation open and honest because you are not alone in this journey. Embrace your feelings, seek support, and prioritize your mental health – both you and your family deserve it.
If you live in New York State and are struggling with parental burnout, contact me today. I’d love to help.
Ready to Reclaim Your Peace & Happiness In Parenting?
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, constantly tired, and like you’ve lost yourself in the chaos of parenting, it’s time to take action. Imagine rediscovering who you are, finding joy in parenthood again, and feeling supported and understood. Parenthood shouldn’t be about surviving on empty. It’s about thriving and enjoying the journey. If you’re in New York State and struggling with parental burnout, reach out to me now. I’d love to help you navigate this challenging phase and find balance and joy in your parenting journey.
Contact me now and let's get started.
Learn more about managing burnout through my blogs.
You and your family deserve to thrive, not just survive!
Other Services I Offer Online Anywhere in New York:
In addition to helping parents manage burnout, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, therapy for women, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way. Let's work together to find balance and well-being in your life.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction and parental burnout. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. Dr. Ruby is dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor’s and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
