How To Cope With Uncertainty During Infertility? Insights From an Infertility Therapist in NY
Infertility can bring a host of overwhelming emotions that you may not have anticipated when starting your journey toward becoming a parent. The hope, waiting, and anxiety often intertwine with feelings of self-doubt, frustration, and even shame. At its core, infertility introduces a level of uncertainty that feels impossible to manage. Your uncertainty may sound like “How long will this take?”, “Will treatment work?”, and “What happens if it doesn’t?” These questions, without clear answers or timelines, can erode your mental and emotional well-being.
As a therapist working with individuals and couples navigating infertility, I’ve seen firsthand how this journey can weigh on every aspect of your life, including work (e.g., decreased productivity), relationships (e.g., more fights and feeling distant), self-esteem (e.g., feeling worthless), and mental health (anxiety and depression). While it’s impossible to eliminate the uncertainty, here are some therapeutic insights and strategies to help you cope.
Distress Tolerance Skills
If you are thinking of undergoing fertility testing, awaiting results from fertility testing, or have been diagnosed with infertility, using distress tolerance skills may help to manage your uncertainty or distress. Simply put, distress tolerance skills help you survive or get through really difficult but short moments of your life (e.g., a crisis) without making them worse. It is important to know that distress tolerance skills may not help you feel better, and they are very effective at not making you feel worse (e.g., spiraling). Self-soothing is a type of distress tolerance skill that helps you refocus on doing things that feel good or pleasant during times of emotional pain using the five senses (sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste) to provide temporary relief.
How to practice these skills:
Think of each of your five senses and ways you can engage them. Sight – find something visually pleasing (e.g., walk in a flower garden, go to an art museum or paint something beautiful, or look through old photos of pleasant memories). Sound – listen to sounds you enjoy (e.g., music from your favorite artist, sounds of the wind or chimes, listen to sound bowl meditations). Smell – find fragrances you enjoy (e.g., stroll through a spice market, light a scented candle, or spray your favorite perfume or room spray). Taste – eat something you enjoy in moderation (e.g., eat a food you rarely indulge in, like a sweet/salty treat). Touch – Indulge in different sensations on your skin (e.g., take a hot shower, apply lotion to your hands slowly, or wrap yourself in a soft blanket).
Here is a link to a video about DBT’s Self-Soothing skill!
Set Boundaries Around Fertility Talk
It’s common for well-meaning friends and family to offer unsolicited advice, opinions, or questions about your fertility journey. Sometimes, people manage their own anxiety and sadness by offering their own opinions or advice, and these comments can increase your stress and uncertainty. Setting boundaries around these conversations can create space for you to heal and focus on yourself.
How to practice it:
Identify who you feel safe talking with, and kindly but firmly ask others to respect your privacy on the topic. Simple phrases like, “I appreciate your concern, and I’d rather not talk about it right now,” or “I don’t want to talk about my upcoming test/results. Let’s talk about something else,” can go a long way.
Focus on Self-Compassion
It’s common to feel a sense of failure or inadequacy with yourself, your partner, your medical team, and your body during this journey. However, these thoughts (particularly thoughts about yourself) often create a cycle of self-blame that can feel impossible to get out of. Practicing self-compassion can shift your perspective and allow you to be gentler with yourself. Remember, infertility is a medical issue, not a personal flaw or failure.
How to practice it:
Acknowledge your feelings of disappointment, frustration, or sadness without judgment. You might try writing yourself a compassionate letter as if you were comforting a friend going through the same situation. Allow any and all feelings to come up without pushing them away. You can conclude this exercise by using your new self-soothing skills to cope with the many feelings that may arise during this exercise.
Seek Professional Help
Therapy offers a dedicated space to process the unique grief, stress, and anxiety that comes with infertility. While these skills are great for short-term relief (for a few days or weeks), they will not work in the long run. Working with a therapist who specializes in infertility, such as myself, can help you navigate your emotions, manage anxiety, and feel less alone in the process. A therapist can also provide long-term coping strategies and tools tailored to your specific needs and goals.
Start Working With an Infertility Therapist in Manhattan, NY
Infertility is an emotionally charged journey that can often feel lonely and overwhelming. Coping with uncertainty may not make the journey easier, but these strategies can help you find some stability, compassion, and strength as you move forward. If you’re seeking further guidance or support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me today. As an infertility therapist in New York, I’m here to help you navigate these challenging times and create a path forward that honors your emotional and mental well-being. Start your therapy journey with The Lavender Therapy by following these simple steps:
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Other Services Offered with The Lavender Therapy
Infertility and pregnancy loss support isn’t the only service that I offer from my New York-based practice. I’m happy to also offer support with family planning, postpartum and pregnancy challenges, and women’s therapy. Learn more by visiting my About page or blog today!
