How to Fix a Broken Boundary: A Guide to Restoring Personal and Professional Limits
Okay, so by now we can all agree that setting boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and ensuring personal well-being.
I’ve even written a step-by-step guide to guide you through setting these limits in your relationships. However, boundaries can be crossed or broken within friendships, romantic relationships, family dynamics, and with co-workers. If you’ve ever seen The Goldbergs, Wendi McLendon-Covey’s character, Beverly Goldberg, is the epitome of a helicopter mom and boundary breaker, in my opinion, – just watch any episode, seriously (i.e., asking her 13-year-old son if he “needs to make” or go #2 incessantly and sometimes in very public ways). In this blog post, I’ll help you restore your broken boundary to help you bring back balance and mutual respect to your relationships.
What Happens if Boundaries Are Broken?
If you’re reading this blog post, it’s likely that you’ve asserted a boundary that is repeatedly disregarded. Yet, regardless of how you attempt to remedy the situation, you find that nothing is sticking. Broken boundaries can lead to a range of negative consequences. In personal relationships, you may feel resentful, emotionally exhausted, and struggling to trust. You may notice that you don’t quite feel like you (loss of identity) as your needs are pushed to the side or minimized. At work, broken boundaries can lead to decreased productivity, increased stress, and burnout. Ultimately, a lack of clear boundaries undermines respect and communication, making it challenging to maintain healthy and balanced relationships.
Recognizing Broken Boundaries
The first step in fixing a broken boundary is recognizing that it has been crossed. Here are some signs that your boundaries might be compromised:
Feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or resentful.
Not having time for yourself because you're always accommodating others.
Being afraid to say "no" or feeling guilty when you do.
Experiencing physical symptoms like headaches or fatigue due to stress.
Noticing that others are taking advantage of your time, energy, or resources.
If you identify with any of these signs, it might be time to reassess and repair your boundaries.
How to Repair Broken Boundaries
There are several steps that go into repairing broken boundaries and you can generally remember them using these 3 C’s: clear communication, consistent enforcement, and consequences.
Communicate Clearly and Assertively: Communication is key to re-establishing boundaries. The first step in fixing a broken boundary is acknowledging that there is an issue. Reflect on your feelings and experiences to identify where and how the boundary was crossed. Does your boss insist on calling you after work hours? Do your friends continue to talk about you in ways you don't particularly like? Do you need 30 minutes to yourself before your partner or kids ask 100 things of you as soon as you get home? Understanding the specific situation will help you address it more effectively. Approach the person involved and express your feelings calmly and assertively. Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when my time is not respected" is more effective than "You never respect my time." And when in doubt, know that curiosity will get you a lot farther than accusations, so try your best to remain curious about what is hardest about your boundary for this person/people to adhere to.
Set Clear and Specific Boundaries: Be clear about what your boundaries are and what you need to change. Specificity helps prevent misunderstandings. For instance, instead of saying, "I need more personal space," say, "I need 30 minutes of uninterrupted time after work to relax."
Be Consistent & Seek Support: Consistency is crucial in maintaining boundaries. Once you've communicated your boundaries, stick to them. Inconsistent enforcement can confuse others and undermine your efforts. If someone repeatedly crosses your boundary, remind them of the agreement and the importance of respecting it. Repairing broken boundaries can be challenging, especially if the other party is resistant. Seek support from friends, family, or a professional counselor. They can provide advice, encouragement, and perspective.
Evaluate and Adjust: Over time, your boundaries may need adjustment as circumstances change. Regularly evaluate your boundaries and assess whether they are being respected and whether they still serve your needs. Be flexible but firm in making necessary adjustments.
Handling Resistance
It's not uncommon to encounter resistance or push-back when you try to reinforce your boundaries. Here are some strategies to handle pushback:
Stay Calm: Keep your emotions in check and respond calmly. Escalating the situation with anger or frustration will likely make things worse.
Restate Your Needs: Politely but firmly restate your boundaries and the reasons behind them. If you are familiar with DEARMAN, you can use it in this situation.
Use Consequences: If the boundary continues to be violated, it may be necessary to implement consequences. For example, if a coworker consistently interrupts your work, you might need to involve a supervisor. Consequences can range from limiting interactions with that person all the way to cutting that person off (or out) of your life. You can think through alternative consequences to use based on the situation and relationship and select the consequence that feels most appropriate for you.
Fixing a broken boundary requires self-awareness, clear communication, and consistent enforcement. By acknowledging the problem, setting specific boundaries, and seeking support, you can restore your personal and professional limits. Remember, boundaries are not about keeping others out but about protecting your well-being and fostering healthy, respectful relationships.
Revitalize Your Life with Boundary Setting Therapy in New York, NY
You've made great strides in establishing boundaries. Now, let’s ensure you keep progressing. If you're in New York State and need support to continue setting boundaries in your relationships, contact me today. Let's work together to make your professional, romantic, and familial life is fulfilling.
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In addition to helping women establish effective boundaries, I offer a range of specialized services to support you through various life phases. Whether you need assistance with postpartum and pregnancy concerns, general support, therapy for burnout, therapy for infertility or pregnancy loss, or family planning therapy, I'm here to guide you every step of the way.
About The Author:
Dr. Ruby Rhoden is a New York-based Licensed Psychologist who is dedicated to uplifting women through life changes and challenges, including reproduction. She understands how unhelpful behavior patterns and mental health disorders uniquely impact women and uses evidence-based techniques to usher in sustainable change and relief. With a focus on helping clients reconnect with themselves and find effective self-care strategies, including effective boundary setting. Dr. Ruby is also dedicated to helping women develop healthier habits and relationships with themselves and their bodies so they can connect to others and the world around them again. Dr. Ruby studied at Cornell University and Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey for her Bachelor's and Doctoral degrees, respectively. In her free time, she enjoys watching reality TV, supporting small businesses, and writing blog posts to remind all women that they are not alone.
